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2001-11-03 09:22:47 (UTC)


i don't think i should be write. shit, they're gonna play
antoehr gundam on toonami? ah, 0080 thing whatever, looks
liek the animatino is right between new and old, like
around akira's time. anyway, i just liked the first gundam
on toonami, gundam wing, that was just plain entertaining;
really good directing. anyway, i got a 65% on my english
test. ironically, i consider that extremely well,
considering i only read about a fifth of the book. i
expected an f. so i got a c in that class. that problem
is, i just dont' try. that's my one major drawback in
school. i put in no effort. i have an iq between 160 and
190, according to all the tests ive taken. and yet, i
still get, well, actually my final grades arent' that bad,
i just have a unique way of achieving them. i get bad
grades, and yet i still pull a c, b, or a. i guess thats
descent for being in all these shitty honors classes. i
wonder how my anarchy essay will be graded, for a teacher
who really like the book fight club, i think that'll give
me brownie points. the reason i don't try is related to
the standstill theory (actually, more like the beating
theory, fuck i really need a new name, i hate that name, i
was think of another name, o ya, ecceslaties, or some bible
book like that, but that woudl be better for the standstill
theory and i like that name, anyway), see in elementry
school, i never had to study. i just absorbed all info.
it was a piece of cake. so i got used to not trying. then
jr high came, with the options of honors classes, and
that's when i started to get c's. then its all downhill
from that, just never got aroudn to trying more than i did
in elementry school. so. fuck, i was gonna say
something.... but i forgot. something substansive, not
just these trite events... hmm.... o ya, this isn't really
revelant and probably false, but ive been thinking: first,
to suppress thoughts, i used to force my mind to look at
colors, point them out, just to basically distract me,
like "look at the colors! sky is BLUE, ground is GRAY,
etc". now im all w/ the eggs and cheese, for reasons
undefined. (btw, have you ever heard of the phrase "...or
something that of another..."? cause im pretty sure i
copied it but i don't know from where.) anway.... now
there's eggs and cheese plaguing my mind when i try to
suppress thoughts. so, colors, eggs, and cheese. the
common color of eggs and cheese is yellow, and sometimes
white and when rotting, green. so i dunno wtf that means.
ive been fantisizing about suicide and self-mutiliation a
lot more. it seems about every night for the past week ive
been tempted to cut my wrists open and just give up. i
cried about a week ago, i forgot why, i think it was cause
i finished watching lain, but i held up a razor to my
wrist, but i didn't feel anythign emotionally, i didnt'
knwo any of my reasons for suicide or anythign, just
basically a shit load of confusion. but i don't wanna go
into that. yep. perhaps its best i don't write. btw, i
changed my website from fade.to/myself to bite.to/consume.
i use the same v3 server with geocites. anyway,
bite.to/consume is a website i can share w/ my friends, so
i don't mention my depression, selfmutiliation, insanity,
mercury, or anytihg that woudl make them pity me or ask me
quesitons. just basically my social moods, which can be
very jolly and slapstick. speaking of which, ive been
thinking about ignorance. love is ignorance, it makes us
do stupide things; socialization is ignorance, we forget
all our inhibitions, at least for me. what im trying to
say, is that all of our pleasures are just composed of
ignorance. but relgious satisfaction and stuff is really
hard to touch and try to apply philosophy. i know God is
higher than me, and wants me to become a stronger
Christian, so why is there all these things in my head?
maybe lucifer or something is contorlling me. anway, im
only 15, so i think that i shoudl give my philosohpies
before i draw any conclusions at all. but ill probably be
dead by then. i think that i have 25% percent chance of
suicide as my death. but hopefully by the time i move out
im still living, cause then ill probably try to get some
antidepressants. im been thinking that im going to do many
drugs. its not that i wanna look cool or cause everyone
else is doing it or any mainstream shit like that, i think
think that maybe something coudl rid me fo this insanity.
ive been thinking about donig weed, because it makes you
stupid or so ive heard, and thats great becasue then all my
huge brain-bleeding thought will be gone. ill be ignorant
and happy. ill probably grow up to be liek sol in the film
pi. now im sorta like max, or around the end. fuck, i am
like at the end of pi, right before the ***if you haven't
seen pi, watch it, stop reading, and watch it. here are
some spoilers of the movie, so whatever, i dont' care*** so
anway , im like around the time when he drills a hole
through his cranium. hopefully i can become peaceful like
at the final end. whatever. im fucked anyway. fuck, i
think ill just stick to self-mutilation. that seems pretty
safe. so, whatever. i guess im leaving.