the one who got away

kells bells and her monkey balls

i dont know what to think anymore
i had so many people tell me not to have high expectations
about certain things and do you think i listened? well
no........of course not why would i do the logical thing
i dont think logically i dont think normally
and when i do think its normally too late

i need help......i like a guy and i think he likes me but
the biggest problem is that we shouldnt be together and
tonight proved to me that my feelings for him go deeper and
beyond the norm.....i mean i flirt and i tease as you all
who know me well enough can vouch for .....but this time
its different.... un fortunately i dont think its different
for him ....i think he is just playing his cards ya
know.....i mean i was even told that i basically read way
too much into the relationship but then there are points
that i dont want this either.....

maybe im not supposed to have anything right now but i
would love to have a companion ....someone to randmly bring
me presents or call just to say hi .....do you know how
many times i have said this .....this is all i want....is
it too much to ask for ...for everything that i do for guys
to do for me?

i mean i would love it if i was sitting at home and he just
showed up for no apparent reason .....took a chance that i
was here.....or one saturday morning he showed up early
enough that i wouldnt be awake so he could sneak down and
wake me...just by saying good morning beautiful and kissing
me lightly.......

i guess i live in too much of a fantasy world
oh and i talk about myself and my problems way too much
right? yeah i was told that "other people have it so much
worse than you do." "why are you complaining?"
well b/c this is the worst that i have felt i cant feel
there pain only mine and mine is saying that life is pretty
shitty right now......

i need God more than anything and he is here for me always
but i cant seem to turn to him either....why is it that the
three people that could help me the most are the ones that
im running from...#1 being God ...#2 being myself and #3
being megan (yes as always she is my #3 not literally its
just cute how it always pans out)
my best friends the only ones i have except my brothers but
thats different......

i hate that some of my actions display me as a very stuck
up and superficial person but i cant help it there are so
many things that i want to be perfect in my life or atleast
close to it......are my standards set too high?

im going to bed im exhausted
night all
love all