moshingkow

the expunged refuse of my evil mind
2001-11-03 06:37:01 (UTC)

life as a loser

aah middleschool. i just read alex's entry about me.
made me happy. i never knew that she rememberd all
that stuff. i hated myself so much back then, i just tryed
to block everything out, idont remember so much. but
life was not good for me. i never knew alex liked me.
and when i went to go pickup alex so she could see
shonee, i felt like i would be better in her eyes if i did. i
dunno. i love her, she was at one time, my last thread.
my only link to the world of the sane. but even then, i
made myself feel bad by thinking of the scenario where
she hates me. i did that alot, still do sometimes, just
thought about stuff to make myself feel like crap, even
when i was totally happy, i diddnt think i deserved to be
happy so i made myself feel bad. i remember one day,
in bits and pieces, which made me feel bad, but which
in retrospect was totally fabricated in my mind. i
remembered this day, at lab, when i was by the train
station, and i wanted to go with jacob and max and
those people, but they said i couldnt come, and that i
was stupid, aloser and nobody liked me. that is what
stuck in my mind most about lab, but the thing that
made me sad the most was the fact thtat alex was
there, and diddnt do anything, btu she wasnt there, i
maed that part up for myself, so i could pity myself i
guess, i dunno. i wish i understood myself, but i dont. it
pains me to thikn that she feels guilty for putting me
through so much crap. in fact, i feel guilty for not doing
more for her. if it wasnt for her, id be dead, i would have
flung myself in front of a train long ago. moother fucker.
i hate life, why are people who so obviously care about
each other so much forced apart? its totally unfair and if
there is a god, he has fucked me and all my friends
over a thousand times. life as a loser is not life as a
person, it is life as some inferior beast, longing to be
one of the hive,one of the plenty, one of the many. life
as i knew it, was not life, it was a call out to the people,
beyond the mountains of hate, someone, beyond the
barriers of ignorance, far beyond the trenches of bias,
that person was alex, but unfortunately she could not
hear my call.

she is the one who i believed was my soul mate, the
one, the person who was in my mind, perfect,
absolutley perfect. when she found shonee, i told
myself that she would be over him in time, he was just
another guy. but that idea slowly faded. then i began to
resent him for taking her from me, her, alex, she who i
was too timid to ask out, and who i thought was too
good for me. i wish i had asked her out, but then again i
dont. if i did, we might be together like her and shonee
are, but i dont know how long we would last, and what
would become of us in the end. but if i had, she would
have never met shonee, i would have never met
shonee, he would be dead now, just another brick in
the wall, and alex might be somewhere much worse
then she is now. i might be somewhere much worde. i
might be dead.

fuck this. dwelling on the past is for ghosts caught in
the middle of the air and time. i have amanda now. i
think she has saved me too. had i not met her, i would
have begun taking e again. just to get away from it all,
its artificial, and i dont like the way it makes me feel, but
for some reason, it makes me feel right. amanda is my
god. amanda is my love. but i wish that it was in a
better situation. parental units are the evil empire of the
world, conspiring to oppress the children and
obfuscate the truth of their existance, of authorities
existance. if i had not met amanda, i would be on
drugs, i would be doing alot of them, thats just the path
that i was on. i had easy access to it, i could get it
easaly, i could take it and hide it. i could do anyting with
it and not get in trouble and get away, and eventually,
kill myself with it. but amanda has saved me. saved me
from the giant grey monster. she has saved me from
the death of night, of my mind.

im debating to myself not wether to tell people about
this journal, i dunno, it might offend some people i want
to tell this to, but it the truth, my only truth, to myself. i
want to tell people about it, but i dont know how truthfull
i can be. but i also tell myself things that arent true.
anything that happens will happen for a reason and
becasue of nothing else.




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