listen to my silences
2001-11-03 05:29:42 (UTC)

not really but okay

just wanted to say, yeah, i'm still alive. and of course i
had to write down all that's been ocurring. which is a lot.

1)brian and i are not together. he's not ready for a
relationship. we both knew that going into it, and we both
want to be together and yet we don't and we know it's not
the right time.

2)monday was the last day i could go to see stephen in jail
cause of guard. i miss him so much. he's gonna call on
saturday...and i cannot wait. when he gets out i will be
there, and i'm gonna hug him so tight he's not gonna be
able to breathe and i'll probably cry (yeah, me cry, weird
i know) but it'll all be good cause he'll be there again
and we can talk for hours instead of fifteen minutes.
*sigh* january is a long ways off...

3)rosie went off. in an email. while at school she acts
perfectly civil. she pissed me off though, oh did she
ever. there are so many things that i could say to her or
write to her or do to her right now...and the only reason i
won't is because brodie asked me not to. i'm not even
writing it in here right now cause she will read it.

4)brodie has been really weird lately. not weird, but...i
don't know...different. i'm kinda worried about him...but
if anything is wrong right now, he either doesn't really
know what it is or isn't ready to tell me yet. that's
cool, i hope he knows he can though. and maybe nothing is
wrong...i'm just trying to explain his mood lately.

5)geoff is with andrea (yay!) and she is really cool. it
is so good to see him truly happy for once.

6)kells is...good and bad. major mood swings, but that's
understandable considering circumstances. things in her
life have become so confusing. and i understand why she
can't talk to me, cause i have trouble telling her stuff.
hey kells, we need to have a meggers/kells day, an entire
day, to talk...cause i think i'm ready to "unhide" stuff.
and yeah, that's a word. i love you girlie.

7)home is...i don't know, i'm never there. strained, i

8)school is just that. a social event mostly full of very
shallow people.

9)work has become very...interesting lately. it's actually
been kinda fun. scary, i know. brodie starts working
security there tomorrow. that'll be very interesting.

10)mare has been going through a lot. i'm her
psychologist. but i don't feel like i'm doing any good. i
never do though, so maybe i'm doing more than i realize.

11)i went to the ent finally. my hearing in my right ear
is a little better, i can hear high pitches now, but now i
can't hear the low pitch in my left ear, so there's a
possibility that it may be spreading. for those that don't
know, i have meniere's disease. it causes dizziness,
blackouts, stress, nausea, vomiting, ringing of ears,
fluctuation of hearing, and can lead to deafness in the
affected ear. i'm cool with it. i hate pity. if you have
questions about it, i'm glad to answer them. but don't
feel sorry for me, please.

12)i'm in an...indifferent to myself mood. i haven't slept
in three nights. i mean, i slept, but not solidly or
deeply. so i guess you would say i didn't sleep but i

13)i'm in winter guard. i've only been to one practice,
but i love it. and i'm really excited about it. we'll see
where it goes.

other stuff...i had a really good convo about religion with
this girl today. it was cool. she's really cool. we
differ on things, but it was still cool. i'll talk more
about it later. i dressed up for halloween. it was funny
cause everyone else wanted to and didn't have the nerve or
something. it was fun. kells and josh and geoff and
andrea and i went out halloween night. yeah, i didn't feel
awkward. or like the odd man (in this case woman) out. i
mean, i did a little. but they all tried to make it so i
wasn't. so we went over to beaver's and it was cool.

ok, i'm trying to explain my mood to jill...and it's
actually working. i feel a lot better now. she actually
put into words what was going on. for any who want to
know, i'm copying our convo and you can email me to read it.

something out of the ordinary happened today. a person who
has a diary on here randomly im'd me. it was cool though.
it kinda scared me at first. but it was cool.

there's a lot more, but hey, i'm outta here for tonight.
gotta work tomorrow, ok well later today. and i need to
try and get some rest.

final thought: whether or not the glass is half full or
half empty depends on what's in it (thanks g)