Midnight Rambles
2001-11-03 02:59:23 (UTC)

Adventures In Ed-Land

I'm telling you, it's a whole different world.

June 14th 2001

Edmond John,
It's 10:00pm and to be honest, I'm not quite sure why it is
that I'm writing this. I'm not really sure what else needs
to be said.

I guess first of all, I want to apoligize for the way I
reacted on the phone yesterday. The only excuse I have was
that I really didn't want to hear anything you had to say,
or say anything that I would come to regret.

I'm sorry that you feel the way you do about this whole
situation. I won't lie and say that I'm happy about this
on any level. All I can say is that I hope this decision
makes you happy and that in the end it was worth it.

I hate being this way Ed, but being your friend has simply
become too hard. It just seems as though everytime we
figure out where we should be and I'm comfortable with
that, something happens and we have to start all over
again. I'm sick of starting over again. I was happy with
the idea of us being friends while you were with Mary. I
didn't want to sleep with you that night, but you convinced
me. I'm not saying that to make you feel bad, simply to
make sure you know where I stand on this. I didn't want us
to go there while you were still with her. So while you may
not regret that night, I always will. I hope you can
understand that's why I can't be friends with you right
now. I love you as much as I ever have, but the best thing
for me is to take a long break from you.

The one thing that this whole situation has shown me is how
we are on two totally different pages. the fact that you
not only planned this, "test" but also alluded to the fact
that things between you and Mary were headed downhill is
what kills me. It seems to me as though you had no qualms
whatsoever about lying to me to get what you wanted. You
were the last person I ever expected to hurt me like this.
To be honest, it's something I would have expected from
Justin. I mean, where is the irony in the fact that you
were the person I went to when I was hurt by him, and then
last night, I called him about you. You were the person I
could talk to about everything and anything and you took
that away from me. It wasn't because of some simple
mistake, but because you forced something that didn't need
to be forced. I told you that night that we had all the
time in the world to figure us out, and now we may never
know. And in time, how are you going to know how much of
yor decision was based on true emotion and how much on the
guilty feelings you had about cheating on your girfriend?

The worst part of this Ed was that you didn't seem to have
throught twice about what this has done to our friendship.
You took 6 years of our lives and dismissed it with
a "test." Now, I don't know what to do with any of it.
Chances are I'm going to keep loving you for quite some
time. Just do me a favour and if you ever figure out what
it is that you do want from the two of us, and I mean
really figure it out, and not just what you think you
want. Or let me rephrase that, when you have the courage
to actually follow through on what you want for the two of
us, give me call, because I will probably still have some
unanswered questions about us. i can't guarantee that,
since I don't know how long I'm going to feel the way I do
right now. I can't see this as being something I just wake
up and forget about one morning.

Until then, pleast take care of yourself. I'm going to
miss you and I want you to know that there is always going
to be a part of me that belongs only to you. You helped
make me the person I am today, and I won't ever be able to
forget that. So please, don't forget me, and maybe one day
you'll look back and regret not having our friendship in
your life, because I know that I will.

With much love

"Don't ever be someone's slogan, because you are poetry."