Midnight Rambles
2001-11-03 01:22:46 (UTC)


March 12 2001

Why on earth does it always feel like at the exact moment
in time that I am close to being like everyone else, so
close to reaching the pivotal point of normalcy, that it
turns around and strikes me harder and more viciously than
ever before? I can’t even enjoy one night without it
rearing its ugly head. Not for long, but enough for me to
have to fully acknowledge that I can’t have what other
people take for granted. I can’t lie on a bed and enjoy
the comfort of a friend’s arm without feeling the pain rise
up from inside and seize itself around me.

It was all that I wanted. Nothing more, nothing less; no
expectations and no regrets. We had been there before, and
yet this time was different. There was a sense of urgency
felt, like there just wasn’t enough time in the world. Yet
for us, time seemed to be standing still. Two hours flew
by without the slightest of recognition. But at the very
moment that it began to lead to something more, there it
was, in its undeniable form. Just popping in to
say "hello" and "did you miss me?" I can’t understand it,
I never will. It’s really as simple as that.

He comes in from behind to see if I am okay. How can I
begin to explain to someone who has felt the things that I
long for, that I’m not all right? Somewhere in the deepest
corners of my mind I won’t ever be. Experiences will never
cease to haunt me. Wherever I go they will be around the
corner, waiting to remind me of what it is that I left
behind that day. 20 years old and tasting my last taste of
freedom. I left behind freedoms that a select few will
forever cherish. It is put away in the same box that we
keep our ratty old teddy bears and diary’s filled
with, “guess who likes me?” We trade it in for daily
reminders that we will never again experience that same

And yet, it is all I strive for. The “cute one” is all an
act. I try to convince myself, and those around me that I
am innocent and naïve to the hard realities of the harsh
cold world that we live in. I have transformed myself to
have others believe that I see things through rose coloured
spectacles. While in fact I have taken off the glasses for
the sole reason that I no longer want to see the world that
I have been immersed in. A world that some don’t even
begin to know until they are much older and “wiser.” Yet
when it comes to dealings with life and death, I am much
wiser than many. When the elderly have this wisdom they
are looked upon as sources of knowledge. When I share my
wisdom, I am looked at with Pity. A feeling I have never
hated more.

I have made my best friend cry. I have shed a thousand
tears and felt my heart break into millions of pieces while
reminiscing alone of things that I should simply forget. I am
left to gather it all back up, and continue living life
among the Normal. I strive to be Normal.

I protect those that are. I show them enough to allow them
to see what is going on. But that is all. That is all they
want to know. Do they want to know more than the basic
levels of pain? Do they want to know the jumbled and
chaotic mess of emotions that run deeper that I will ever
acknowledge? What do they want to know?

Simply that I have not given up. That I still strive to
beat it all and come out on top. They want to know that
one day I will join the ranks of normalcy, and take my
place among them. They want to crown me for my heroics,
my “tuff cookie” bravado. They want to share in the
happiness of the light at the end of the tunnel.

They just simply don’t want to know how dark that tunnel
can be.