Inchoategoddess

leaves are falling
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2001-11-02 23:03:57 (UTC)

First Day

Hallo. I figure I'll start out and say that this is my
second online journal. I had one at open diary, but for
some strange reason my computer started refusing to open it
(go figure... Damned computers). So this is where I am now.
I also keep a regular journal and rotate between typing in
my online one and writing in my other one, so if there's a
big gap in time missing from this one then you know the
reason. (Please pardon my spelling as well)
Anyway I guess I'll just start.

Last year around this time I almost had a nervous
breakdown. I was in pretty bad condition over the summer,
but as fall came and I started school things got worse.
I'll give you an idea of how I was over the summer. I was
at a music festival and would go to practice by myself and
instead of practicing (more about that later) I would find
a place to sit and all I would do was stare for hours. I do
mean hours. Like 3-4 at a time. Ocassionally I would cry,
but not too often, I felt too numb. This went on for a
month. I figured that when I got home things would be a
little better, but they weren't. I became really afraid of
knives, that I'd hurt myself with them or something. Then I
began hitting myself (yeah it sounds amusing). I really
beat myself up. I'd wake up the next day after one of these
episodes and could barely see straight with headache that
felt like a thousand little hammers against my skull. This
went on until January of this year, when I finally got a
grip.
Sorry to bring up such a disturbing subject for my first
entry. I need to talk about it and can't really trust
anyone enough. Only a few people know about it as it is.
I'm also kind afraid that I might begin having problems
like that again. I never feel quite right during the
winter, so I don't know what to expect this year. I just
don't know if I could deal with another season like
that.


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