2001-11-02 22:41:26 (UTC)

the day everything went wrong

dear diary, 11/2/01

i wrote this letter to one of my friends 2 days ago. it
said some stuff in there that wasn't too good. but nothing
that would hurt her feelings. later that day i was called
to the guidence. to find my friend kiki and 2 vice
princaples there. my friend was crying and one of the
adults (mr. anderson) had my note. i wrote some stuff in
there about how i hated my life and how i was always
deppressed. and i said sometimes i wish i was dead. and the
adults yelled at me. and lectured me. and asked me all
these questions. they asked me how i planned to kill
myself. i ws so discusted. i wanted to cuse them out. they
told my friend to go. over hearing my yells for them to
make her stay. they called my parents. and then they made
me go sit in this dark room for about a hour. and then
anderson came and got me. my parents finally arrived. calm
as ever. all 5 of us sat in a small room. mrs. wooley (the
other adult) was making me so pissed. she was saying all
this crap about how i hated myself. she knew nothing and
acted like she was the brain of it all. i hate her so much.
it mad me mad how they read my letter over and over. read
my personal thoughts , emotions, all my feelings that i
wanted no one to know about except my friend. and then tell
me that my feelings were wrong. mrs. wooley said "i think
shes mad at us" to anderson. i said "i'm beyond mad" before
my parents got there kiki and my other friend jordan came
into the guidence. seeing them from the room i was in i
stood up about to go talk to them. anderson told me to
stay. but i wanted so badly to talk to them. and tell kiki
that things would be ok... that i was alright. i ignored
what anderson said and ran out there. before i could say
anything anderson pulled me back, yelling "come here! get
back here malorie!" mrs. wooley said i wasn't alowed to
talk to them. and that i had to get my parents permission.
f*** her i thought. my parents arived shortly after. i
convinsed my parents that the letter was one big lie, to
get kiki to pay more attenshion to me. after all, i do wish
she would pay more attenshion to me. she never calls. i
always feel like i'm the one making all the effort. in all
my friendships. my parents took me out of school. and took
my to go eat. they talked to me about the letter. i said i
didn't want to talk anymore. but they still tryed to drag
stuff outta me. that night i went trick or treating. i
tryed really hard to have fun. really i did. but i kept
thinking to hole time "i wish i could just go home" even
though katie, phillip, kiki, and jordan kept getting into
these little fights and kiki flirted with everyone. it was
nothing they did that upsetted me. i was the problem. kiki
always says "just try and have fun." easier said than done
i guess. she doesn't know what goes on in my head. and for
her having fun is a piece of cake. i don't know whats wrong
with my anymore. yesterday my shrink asked me "whats the
happiest thing in you life?" please don't hate me. but i
couldn't answer. i didn't know what the answer was. she saw
i was speachless and moved on. yes, about my shrink. my mom
made me go. her name is jane. i'm suppose to call her jane.
when i waslked in her office, it looked like a living room.
a big fluffy couch. fridge. big soft chairs. she offered me
food. and layed down in her chair. she said "tell me about
your life as we eat our snacks." to my fear, anderson gave
to letter to my dad and my mom gave it to jane. jane read
the note. i have never read it. i wrote it, but never once
did i actually read it. things went ok with jane. she gave
me a notebook. i was tolded to write how my days go in
there. i'm suppose to write in it 2 times a day. untill the
next time i see her. in 2 weeks. shes then going to test me
for depression. i'm going to fail. i just know. then shes
going to put me on zoloft and i'll be a freak. my bro and
sis don't know about jane or the note. its going to stay
that was as long as i can let it. i have to go cuz this
HOTT guy is in my front yard playing football with the
street kids. i'll talk to u later. and if anyone reads
this. please e-mail me. i want to know who is reading my