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2001-11-02 19:38:40 (UTC)

wow, could it get any worse?

So yeah, I wake up this morning and still feel terrible,
what a way to wake up. Cant I just have my 5 minutes
of "hey I feel great this morning"? I would have loved
that. But I always feel a little better when I talk to
Andrew. So we are talking this morning and he has "bad
news" for me. "Great hes already done with me" is what is
going through my mind. Its not that but maybe something a
little worse. Him and his dad got into a little tiff last
night and he left and daddy dearest doesnt want him to come
back. Cant he just come here and live with me? Nope of
course not. Me still living with the parents have to
follow the rules of no guys living with me yet. Awwwww I
want for Andrew to be ok. Im sure he will be fine and
everything at the home front will turn out to be ok too.
He says he will talk to me within the next couple of days.
A couple days without talking to him???????? Geez Im gonna
miss that. I already miss not talking to him and its only
been 5 hours. Hope this doesnt make me crazy.

OH YEAH!!!! I almost forgot to tell you, I got a letter
from Matt yesterday. He still wants me to come down and
live with him. Thats a like "never gonna happen" deal. I
havent told Andrew yet because he has enough to worry
about. I dont need him worrying that Im gonna leave him to
get back with my ex. Thats another "never gonna happen"
deal. I really do love Andrew and I have been waiting for
the longest time to be with him. So I am going to make
this happen.

And then I have this friend. She used to be my best
friend, then she moved away. I went down once to see her,
and shes came up here to see me, but other then that we
dont talk. She wants me to be in her wedding, as the maid
of honor. Im going wtf man. We dont even talk and why
would she want me to do this. She says that I left a hole
in her heart that nobody else can fill. Best friends? I
dont know about that anymore. I cant tell her anything,
she just doesnt understand my life anymore. Besides when
she left, we were fighting at the time. I dont even know
if we have made up about that. Not that it really matters

I try not to hold grudges against people. Except for my
sperm donar! I mean wouldnt you hold one against him if he
beat you, and lied to you all of your life, and held your
mom at gun point in front of you? What the fuck goes
through these peoples minds? Cant you find anything better
to do then harrass the ones you "love". I dont think he
ever really loved my mom, or me for that matter. If he did
it was kinda a "sick love". He is the reason I dont trust
people. Which is kind of weird because i do trust Andrew.
I know he would never hurt me intentionally. Andrew is the
kind of guy that I know I want to be with the rest of my
life! Not that I am thinking about marriage right now, I
still think I am a little young. And I want to have a life
before i have to "answer" to anyone. ***shrugs*** I just
dont know yet. But back to what I was saying....it really
scares me that I trust Andrew. No I dont know why other
then its not a normal thing for me.

But I have some work to do so I will write you later today
if anything interesting happens to me, or if i remember
anything I left out.

I love you so so so so so much Andrew,