Me and X
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2001-11-02 15:06:29 (UTC)

my continuing saga

im talking to x right now about whether or not i should just
say fuck it to my family and my friends and my life and just
go down there and be with him..
i want to. i miss him and i love him thought he doesnt
believe or trust that i do... i know that somehow we can
figure this out and end up being together the way that we
had always wanted to be. lifes shitty circumstances.
id be dishoned if my parents found out that i was talking to
him right now..
all of my college money, all of everything id lose.
its okay its worth taking that risk to me.. though i fear
things wont work out.. but deep in my heart i know that even
if i cant go to him now i will find a way to show him that i
really do love him...
maybe he is so clouded with emotion right now that all he
can think of is being with me.. and how much he loves me..
but if i let him go his heart would become distant and he
wouldnt care... and then if i came back.. it would just be
like talking to a stranger that wouldnt want to open the
doors to his heart again to someone like me.
someone who lied and cheated.
maybe hes only holding on because we are still talking.

he just told me that hes "fallen hard" for me. and its
making me so sad because i want to go to him so badly
despite the bad things that have happened. i KNOW we could
make this work somehow someday.

how can i ever make this work.
my baby is finally going to be available to me and i cant
get to him because of my own faults..
i want to just go to him so incredibly badly..

X god why cant we just do this.. and be happy.
i will never cheat on you again..
you will leave your wife
i will move down there..
you wont ever hit me again
and then the rest will fall into place....... right?