Montiesgirl

Another hard day on the net...

Dear Diary~
How many times do you have to hear, "That's bad for
you you should stop!" before you decide to hurt someone? I
am so tired of people who think that they know what's good
for me. I am grown up and they need to get a life. I will
admit to you right now. I SMOKE AND AM DAMN PROUD OF IT!
I don't need them adding stress to my life, i have enough.
Anyway, I have finally determined that Pepsi is much
better than Coke. I have done extensive study and believe
that I am finally right about something. To me, Coke
usually dries out my mouth, which makes me more thirsty.
But when I drink more Coke, it's kinda defeating the
purpose. Pepsi doesn't do that... But my favorite will
always be Dr. Pepper, but that's a whole different study
all together.
I look back on my life and realise that my parents
never played games with me. I'm not mad or anything, but
hey, I do think that you should take time out or your busy
lives and make time for your children. They may be little
right now, but they are the ones who decide on whether you
go into a home or not. Think about that one... That is a
big fear of mine. Being a burden to my children. I don't
have any yet, but I don't want them to think that I need
that. Children are what I was born for. In my heart I do
believe that God put me here to be a mommy. It kinda
scares me. You know, the whole pregnant thing, but the
after is what I'm looking forward to (except for the no
sleep thing, but I'll cope). I look back on my life, and
realise that we didn't have much money, but we always got
by. My older sister and I hated each other. We don't have
the same dad, so she hated me, cause mine stayed around. I
got beat everyday, but not by my parents... She hated me
that much. I never told anyone before, until I broke down
to my grandmother. She couldn't believe what I told her.
We held each other and cried. My sister was real messed up
for a long time. She's better now and has two of the most
beautiful children in the world. In a way I have always
been jealous of her. She was captian of everything in high
school and had every friend possble. The most popular girl
who got pregnant on graduation night! I laughed about that
for months. All of her dreams of being on the Tech
basketball team flew out the windows all because she got
drunk. Pardon me. I have tears in my eyes just
remembering this. I still laugh. In a way, all of her
pains got me through growing up. It made me stronger. I
still hate her. What? Just because I love her, doesn't
mean I have to like her!
I don't drink. I seems to cause a conflict between
Jon and myself. He likes to drink beer and I don't like
him too. I don't see the point of waking up feeling
awful. Maybe it's a man thing...
It's 1:32 am now. Still not having very much good
sleeping. I try, but there hasn't been much change. I am
going to try... Once again, off to bed.
Lacey