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2001-11-02 07:01:20 (UTC)

Down so long

I've been down and confused for so long that I don't know
where i'm going. I don't even know which direction to go
towards. It is quite a depressing, lonely place to be. I
have been trying to find my place in this world for a long
time now, so long that I can't even put a number on th
years of my confusion.
At first I thought I was just cursed with so much
talent. So much that it made it hard for me to choose
which one I wanted to pursue as a career. I'm a writer who
once wrote the most beautiful words. I have not written in
years. I am a singer who has not used my voice in years.
I am an actress who has not played a character in a long
time. I am a business woman who cannot think of a product
to sell. I have been gifted with more talents than most
people acquire in a lifetime. But I do not put any of my
talents to use. I have abandoned them all and yet they
remain with me. They are all something that I will always
possess inside of me and they are longing to come out and
see how far they will take me. But I am too afraid. I
can't get off my ass! I am too scared to try anything. I
feel like a complete failure right now. What am I afraud
of? Everything! Success, failure, me, people, not ever
knowing "what if?"
My boyfriend made me feel more like a failure tonight.
He's going to the music school that he has always dreamed
about. He's living the life and chasing the dreams that he
alays wanted. He looked at me today and said the it was
disturbing him that I just stay home all day in my p.j.'s,
on the computer, watching cable. I have been literally
vegetating for 2 1/2 weeks now. That is exactly what I
have been doing. I have not been to the gym in 3 weeks. I
am starting to feel like a pregnant housewife. We just
moved in together 3 weeks ago. I have not done a thing
since. I cried tonight...... I feel like a failure! I
need to do something more constructive with my life. He's
starting to look down on me. He denies it, but I feel
it...I wish I had angel that could tell me which path I
should go towards, which talent I should put to use. Does
that angel exist?