CloudDude

strained

...uuuughhhhh..... why is it that I can only come up with
b/tches and complaints to put in this ol' diary of mine?
It's a damn swedish conspiracy man. A CONSPIRACY!

[ this is what happens when I'm tired :/ ]

Well, I'm up late AGAIN. Still crackin' through my
homework, still trying to get a short story done. It's
coming out quite well, and I'm just taking a short break
from it to put in a new entry.

So, my boring day....
I woke up from where I was sleeping on the couch, to
realize that I had literally fallen asleep doing homework.
So, yesterday evening was a bust for me in my attempt at
wiping clean my school slate.
I got to school, and had to take a make-up Analysis test
during homeroom. It was easy, but it's the principal of
the thing!
I realized that I have two tests tomorrow, A.P. History and
Spanish III. I'm screwed.
I have to finish my short story for Creative Writing by
tomorrow. I'm screwed.
I have to START and FINISH an essay for English for
tomorrow. I'm really screwed.
I hate school.

I went down to check on my application for a second job. I
applied at Burger King three weeks and a day ago, but the
head guy's still on vacation. I won't be increasing my
funds anytime soon.

My mom's giving some more excuses as to why she isn't
giving my money back (which she was supposed to use for the
gas bill, but decided she didn't want to pay it anyway).
I've pretty much given up hope of getting that college
money back, and I've given up hope of taking hot showers
again.
I've been wondering, would this qualify me as living in
poverty? One standard I've always used to discern those
who actually live in poverty from those that just hate
their lives is whether the person's family has the basic
utilities (i.e., electicity, heat, running water, etc.).
My family hasn't had gas for over 6 months, meaning no hot
water, no heat on cold nights, no gas stove, no oven, and
no dryer. My mom is barely able to afford food and toilet
paper for us as it is. I had to delve into my meager
college fund (which is all made from working my @ss off at
two jobs) to give her money to pay the bill [mainly because
having no heat during the winter probably isn't good for my
little 4-year-old brother]. Does this qualify us
as "living in poverty"? It's just something I wonder.

Maybe being an "accident" and having been born of wedlock
to a single parent has only been having a negative effect
on this world. Life's strain has been wearing on me as of
late. I've had little time for myself. I haven't had time
for my guitar. I haven't been to the theaters since summer
vacation. I haven't had time to watch TV anymore. I don't
even have time to masterbate (!), since I'm always at
school, at work, at extracurricular activities, doing
homework, planning homework, planning extracurricular
activities, briefly online, or trying to catch up on much
needed sleep. Taking time to masterbate would infringe
upon time that's needed to be focused elsewhere. Have I
mentioned that I'm frustrated with my life? I'm 16, and
I've lost my childhood.

I have no peace with my life. An aquaintence asked me
today whether I had once smoked or did drugs. I answered
truthfully: no. He asked if I was ever laid. I answered
truthfully: no. He asked if I ever kissed a girl. I
answered truthfully: no.

I'm so alone in my life. I don't have any true friends. I
don't have a close family. I don't have a girlfriend.
Nobody wants me around. I'm always just a third wheel. I
work my @ss off at everything I do, whether it be school,
work, gym class, sports, yet, in the end, it doesn't
account for much. It doesn't increase my lot in life. It
doesn't increase my standings in the world or in the minds
of others. I've surprised others by my forever work ethic
and undomitalbeness in athletics, yet it does nothing but
add a line or two in this diary.

My life is the quintessence of pathetic, and maybe
this "accident" never should've happened in the first
place..........