a little piece of me
2001-11-01 23:37:01 (UTC)

fuck it all

well, i don't know where to start. i guess i don't have
much to say. i'm back down in my hole. i'm tired of
fighting my way back up, only to be knocked down again.
sick of it. i'm not going to do it anymore. so, my new
motto is 'fuck it all'. that's right, fuck everything on
this fucking planet. if i die, so be it. if i live, well,
that would be rather unfortunate, but so be that too. i'm
just tired of caring. i talked to my brother last night.
i gave him some instructions...he is supposed to tell my
parents what i want done with some of things, should
anything happen to me. his reaction was 'ok...you do what
you want, i'm not going to try and stop you'. god it's
good to know i'm loved. now don't get me wrong, i didn't
tell him that so that i could get a bunch of bull shit
about how i shouldn't do that, people care about me, blah
blah blah. but, should i cease to exist in the very near
future, his last words to me were those above.

it really hit me today, that i don't think anyone would
notice if i was gone. the only friends i have anymore are
people i talk to online. my dad never talks to me
(actually, according to him, i'm no longer a part of the
family), my mom is too busy worry about silly shit, and my
brother just doesn't care. so what's left? there's
michael, but he's hundreds of miles away, and i haven't
even talked to him in almost a week. believe me, that's
not my doing, either. there are the birds, but they would
be just as happy anywhere else. so why the fuck am i still
here? i've been asking myself that a lot these past few
days. i haven't come up with a good answer yet. i cleaned
up the house today, so that there won't be so much work for
whoever...now i just have to write a few letters, and i'm
ready. i have to figure out some way to let someone know,
so that my birds don't starve. see, i go days or weeks
without so much as a phone call, so it could take awhile
before someone figures things out. oh well. i'll think of

so that's enough. who cares anyway.