My rather boring life
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2001-11-01 22:28:44 (UTC)

I wish I could be happy

I wish I could be happy. I'd love nothing more than to be
happy. But I can't be happy. No. My life in in shambles. It
always has been, always will be. My mother hates me. She
wants to be dominant over me. And I let her. I let her walk
all over me. I can't win. I can't I can't I can't. She's
hurt me so much. When I was little, she used to hit me a
lot. She'd also throw things at me. I still have a little
scar on my head from when she threw a coffee cup at me.
Yes, she threw a cup at my head when I was little. She
doesn't hit me anymore, but she still likes to call me
names and make me feel bad about myself. I have such low
self-esteem. She belittles the hell out of me. You're dumb.
You're short. Boys will never like you because you're ugly.
I've been making A's and B's all my life. I got into colege
on a scholarship. I've been on honor roll. But she still
calls me dumb. And I believe it. If she says it, it must be
true. Yes, I admit, I am short. I'm almost 5'2. Almost, but
not quite. I don't think I'll grow anymore. I'm kind of old
for that (I'm 18). I know I'm short, but there's no need
for her to rub it in my face. And I know I'm not a
supermodel or anything. I'm just plain old me. I'm
convinced that there isn't a boy on earth who would love me
for the rest of his life. I'm convinced he can find better.
I'd probaly be the one to find him someone better.

That's a big problem I have. I'm always trying to make sure
everyone's happy. Not happy with me, but happy in general.
I want everyone to be happy, even if it means me being
miserable. It's like, if my death meant saving the lives of
2 people, I'm all for it. If I can take away all of their
misery and make it my own, I'm all for it. I don't know why
I'm liek this. Maybe I'm too nice. Or maybe I'm just
ignorant of myself. I don't pay attention to myself. I
haven't eaten in the past 2 days (althought I've told
everyone otherwise). I've been too busy to eat. I've been
too busy committing my time to others. I know it's bad, but
There's nothing I can do about it.

Bill (he's my therapist) was a little unhappy with
something I said today. I've only talked to him 3 times
before. Today was my 4th. Anyway, I told him I wasn't very
optimistic about my future. I don't think I'll ever be
happy. I'll have little random happy days, but I won't be
at a point where I'll be happy for a long time. I have this
belief that there's some kind of balance of nature. Yin and
Yang, if you will. Someone has to be happy, and someone has
to be sad. I do believe that there is someone in this world
who is extremely ecstatic, while I am extremely unhappy.
I'd like to meet my happy counterpart and beat the crap of
of him/her.

I wish I knew someone I could relate to. I wish I knew
someone who is going through the same thing. And feel the
same way I do. And I want to try to help him. And I want
him to try to help me. I want him tobe the best thing in my
life. I want to be the best thing in his life. Sounds
pretty cheesy, huh? I don't think it's cheesy. I think it's
the best idea in the world. Too bad I can't find a boy like
that. Yes, I'd like it to be a boy so we could behappy, get
married, and have lots of depressed little children.

I wonder if anyone will ever read any of this. Please do me
a favor. If you read this, please send a response. You
don't have to say much. You can say whatever you want. But
it'll be nice to know that someone is paying attention to