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2001-11-01 19:44:02 (UTC)

Am I crazy?

Nov 1 2001

Part 2

I must know? am I nuts? to think that James might still want
to be with me? for us to be together again? I mean if not
why does he want to talk to me again? Is it his cruel way to
torture me again? does he realize that he is torturing me?
does he know that by writing to me finally he has made my
mind turn into a never ending swirl of thoughts about him,
about whether my life choices were right? about whether I
really want to get married to Brett?

I love Brett I know that, I love him with all my heart, with
all my soul, he is my soul mate; isn't he? Why can't God
provide us with all the answers that we need? why must he
make us learn along the way?

Cause if I had all the answers I suposse my mind would melt
and warp into nothing, with nothing to think of all day
long, with nothing to wish for.. Yah my mind would melt away
and become that of a marshmallow!!!

Still nothing from James.. I am still waiting to hear from
him.. see this is the one thing that drove me nuts in our
relationship.. he would take days sometimes weeks to call
me, to make that one little phone(that I know all girls wait

Why am I waiting for James when I have Brett here with me,
everyday? he calls me from work... he tells me he loves me,
he lets me know how special I am; everyday...

what is it then that makes me wish then for something to
happen with James again? is it just the aspect of wishing
for the past to come back? Was the past that great?? if it
was so great then why did it end? Why is it calle dthe past?

I have to think of my future.. I have to think about Brett's
child that I am carrying.. I want this with him,... I DO

But a part of me also wants one with James!!!!

This is why I am so confussed!!!


Brett gives me everything I could ever want, ever need..
ever dream for.. James never treated me with any respect..
yah sure he was nice to me.. but never treated me to a
movie.. never treated me to dinner... (I always paid for
everything myself) Brett bought me my ticket for the first
movie we ever saw together...

There are so different, but I still love both... will I love
them forever... both of them???

This is harder than I thought it would be, maybe I should
not have written a letter to James after all.. maybe I made
all this happen to me.. maybe I brought it all on myself..

Should I just remove him from my list of friends.. and never
go near where he works again? should I just show off to him
when Brett and I marry and have the child?

I say this again....