Screaming Cathedrals
2001-11-01 07:32:27 (UTC)


I couldn't think of anything I wanted to be... and I didn't
come home the night before.. so I just went as me. whoop de
fucking da.
No biggie, though. I'll think of something neat to do next
year. At least I got to buy lots of corny halloween crap to
clutter up my room with! But... it wont be too long before
I'll have a place of my own.
I'm not going to elaborate on that... because I know who
reads this journal and I don't want that many people to
know about it.
Quote of the week: "My god has better bombs than your god."
That just makes me smile. :D
I've been working on more lyrics of late. I'm supposed to
write a song for Big Mark.. and I've been working on it..
but since I've been sick my voice has been shitty. :/
I'm on my last pack of ciggarettes. Jon is quitting after
he finishes his last as well. I'm glad. I don't need to be
smoking. I love singing too much to blow it on a bad habit.

I've heard this song on the radio for years and not really
paid much attention to the lyrics until Jon pointed it out
to me the other day. It just really hit home because it
applied to what was going on in my life a few months ago.

"Waitin', watchin' the clock, it's four o'clock, it's got
to stop
Tell him, take no more, she practices her speech
As he opens the door, she rolls over...
Pretends to sleep as he looks her over
She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a
better man...
She dreams in color, she dreams in red, can't find a better

Talkin' to herself, there's no one else who needs to
She tells herself, oh...
Memories back when she was bold and strong
And waiting for the world to come along...
Swears she knew it, now she swears he's gone
She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a
better man...
She dreams in color, she dreams in red, can't find a better
She lies and says she still loves him, can't find a better
She dreams in color, she dreams in red, can't find a better

She loved him, yeah...she don't want to leave this way
She feeds him, yeah...that's why she'll be back again "
-Pearl Jam

I was thinking about it the other night. And I don't have
many regrets about what happened. I don't regret what I
learned.... I guess all I really regret is giving so much
to someone so unworthy... and I regret almost missing the
best thing that's happened to me in my entire life. I
treated myself with no respect and wondered why I didn't
get any from him... but I don't regret that... because I've
learned from it and it's not a mistake to be made again.

I just don't understand why I didn't leave sooner. I always
thought myself a stronger person than that.... but I was
afraid, I guess. Afraid that I'd be making a mistake
because I was unsure of how I felt....I spent so much time
*acting* like I was in love and happy... that I almost had
myself convinced that I was.

But I knew a long time ago that I'd have to leave
eventually. There was no way that I'd spend my entire life
chasing someone perfectly content to live their life in
North-fucking-Carolina their entire life... someone content
with going nowhere. I just lied to myself for too long
about it.

I feel light a weight has been lifted from my shoulders
now. I was suffering from depression when I lived in
Longview.... but I hardly get down anymore. I feel alive
again. I actually look forward to next year.... instead of
dreading the decisions I might have to make. I know my
future now.... and I'm not waiting on anyone... I don't
have to anymore. The only one that matters to me now
doesn't need me to wait on him.... he's more than willing
to go along. He's someone I don't have to doubt. I don't
have to wonder if he loves me. I don't have to dwell on if
this is the right thing to do or not.

I don't wonder if he'll be here tomorrow. I don't worry
that he's going to hurt me. I don't have to change who I am
to keep him happy. He wouldn't let me if I tried.
It's so much easier to love someone who loves you back. I
wouldn't even call what I feel love... because the term
love has been tarnished by people in the past.
What I feel for him is by no means tarnished. It's brand
fucking new and will stay that way.

Thank you, Jon... for everything you've done, everything
you haven't done, and for just existing.