humming bird

my F***ed up head
2001-11-01 03:59:48 (UTC)

advice needed...i'm confused lol and stupid

well ok so i havent written in like what? forever...but
yeah anyways so there is jason right who for some odd
reason has not talked to me in like 3 weex for no reason at
all and he use to like talk to me NONSTOP...what did i
do?!?! i had to have done SOMETHING to piss him off too
bad i have no idea what it is...... so he sux... and that
is only on the friendship level... i mean nikki is going
thru the same thing with cortes and we dont know why.....
drives us crazy.... how may i ask can a boy just simply
start ignoring so much as the existence of a girl they were
once friends with? this is a mystery.... it's like why do
girls go to the bathroom in groups...they just do... so
that sux pretty much and then there is the whole
relationship front...OMG i could go on forver bout that one
but i will give the shorter less painful version of this...
ok see there is hank who i was going out with for a month
but we r no longer going out but as a total have been
seeing eachother for about 3 months...... right now we r
friends with benefits except i still have feelings for one
of my ex bf's the one i went out with b4 hank, matt hyde...
why? i would like to know..i cannot get over him, i talk to
him on the phone for like an hour everynight and it jsut
givees me a break from my ordinary routine which gets old
real quick...i mean dont get me wrong or anything hank
wasnt a bad bf and i love the friens that i have now but i
do miss things from when i was with matt..... and then
there are a couple other guys who either like me or just
want some action and i am thinking most ikely just want
some action so they r totally outta the picture and it is
just between hank and matt and i dont know what i am spose
to do bout i t..... cuz like i am afraid that nothing is
ever gonna actually happen with matt and i mean i dont
really feel like waiting around forver for him even tho
sometimes i think i would..... but then at the same time i
dont want to go back out with hank.... i mean i just dont
and i dont want to out of pity or just out of a lack of
options cuz we all know this isnt fair to hank ..... he was
a really good bf tho u know but for some reason i just
totally care for matt so much i tell him EVERYTHING! me and
him r so close like we r best friends..... but i still have
feelings for him and i am poretty sure that he does for me
cuz like he told me that and he hints at it alot and
yeah....when we were going ut it was one of those best
friends and boyfriend things which is the best kind ever
but i mean if i ever wanted to try things with matt again
it would be so hard bc we r totally not in the same group
ad i would have to stop the like partying and everything
which i could do cuz it isnt really that big of a thing in
my life u know but it would just take alot of effort to
make it work but the thing is is that i am willing to do
that bc i think i would realy be happy with him and i want
to be happy but then i would be making hank extremely
unhappy and tht would mess up the rest of the group by
association which isnt fair to them so one way or another i
am sacrificing somehtingi mean i know i cant have matt as a
bf and hank as a consollation prize but the thing is that
it seems like if i went back out with hnka then matt
wouldnt really be all the upset but i dont want to go back
out with hank..... this is what i want..... i want to go
out wiht matt and not have hank totally hate me for it and
to have a good realtionship with matt and not worry about
any other guys or anything at all and i want matt to be
part of our group so it would all work out u know..... but
the reality is...what i want will never happen... never...
there is a bigger chance of hell freezing over then that
happening..... and things kinda suck with hank sometimes
cuz he gets these mood swings and then they totally reflect
onto me so if he is pissy then i am pissy u know and we
get into these fights that r just like horrible even tho he
always apologizes and i just hate it but with matt we never
once yelled at eachother...not once... for a couple
rasons , one everytime i would yell at him he would laugh
at me and tell me i was to cute when i was mad and two, we
sat down and talked it all out ..... without screaming....
hank and i say things we will regret...matt never once said
something he knew would hurt me or something he would wish
he never woulda said....and vice versa... but yeah i gotta
go so buh bye goodnight if u read this feel free to give me
some advice

Try a new drinks recipe site