ThunderStorm

31 Oct. 2001 Wednesday

Well, here it is, another day, or night rather. Nothing
has changed, I'm stuck in a sea of sameness. Right now,
I'm chatting with a friend from Canada on MSN instant
messenger and typing this. S'Donna came over tonight to
show off her new baby-it's three months old and completely
bald. She usually comes over every Halloween, that's
generally the only time she does come. She is my
neighbor's grandaughter, she's about 40 tho and she's lived
a hard life of drugs and booze. Dad and Uncle Jerry spent
the day picking up pecans to sell for extra money. Last
night at work left me filthy, looking like a black man from
all the dirt and grease. I despise my job. It's one
reason I believe I think of suicide so much. I would so
like to just be done with everything, no more worries, no
more hassles. I don't even know why I keep going. I
cooked dinner tonight for Mom and Dad, nothing fancy at
all, just hamburgers and fries. I just finished watching
the amazing race on tv, the contestants were in India and
it made me really want to visit that country. It looked so
different. It showed this one place, the Palace of the
Winds, that looked so awesome. Perhaps if I die, I could
be reincarnated in India or something, lol. Anyhow, I
think I said this in my last entry, and I'll say it again,
something has to change for me. I can't endure this life
of simply going to work and back, to my shitty job, then
coming home, sleeping, eating, smoking cigarettes and
watching tv. It's not living, it's simply existing like a
plant exists. No one seems to understand how tired I feel
all the time, how all alone I am. I wish I could believe
in God and Jesus and all that stuff, but there just doesn't
seem to be any truth in it at all. I mean, so many people
go to church and pray and all, then they still suffer. The
world just seems full of suffering. Like Thoreau
said, "All men lead lives of quiet desperation." I'm ready
to vent my desperation, but I have no one to vent to. It
just seems so pointless to me.