a little piece of me
i was fine earlier today, and now all of a sudden i'm a
mess. i hate this so much. usually i can feel it coming.
i guess i've been a little distracted lately, but to not
see this? i've been shaking and crying for some time now.
i'm so stupid. there really is no reason for this. what
the fuck is wrong with me? a few weeks ago, i was prepared
to die. i was ready to end it all. and then someone
talked me out of it. actually, they made me stay with them
for a few days, until i 'got better'. and you know,
they've barely said two words to me since then. what does
that mean? what does anything mean? i don't understand
things. i'm so fucked up. i hate this. i only have one
fucking razor, and it's dull. i don't care that i promised
michael. fuck him. he just doesn't get it. he told me i
was stupid and weak last time i cut. i think he's right.
there has to be something wrong with me to try and solve
things by cutting myself. but it hurts so good, ya know?
my head hurts. i feel sick. i know if he finds out what
i'm about to do, he will leave me. i guess i just won't
bring it up, but if he asks i can't lie to him. i just
can't. he knows when i lie anyway. i tried once. didn't
work. besides, i just don't like lying to people. it only
comes back to bite you in the ass in the end.
geez, life fucking sucks. so tempting to just gulp down
that bottle of sleeping bills over there. to just go to
sleep and never wake up...that's too easy, though. i need
a slow and painful death. i've done too many aweful things
to deserve to go easy. i have much to be punished for...