confused_forever

In Love with two

Oct. 31 2001

I am in Love with two different men... I live with one and
the other is a re-introduced ex-boyfriend.

I find myself waiting for my ex-boyfriend online just to
talk to him, to just imagine what he is doing at that
moment... To invision what he must look like sitting there
in front of his computer with just his boxers on...
the problem is this: I live with my finacee and I am
pregnant with his child! I no longer have dreams about the
man I live with, no; I more have dreams about the man I wish
I were still with; my ex.... I dream about him and I making
love, about him and I taking his daughter and my child(to
be) to a movie.. doing family things with each other..

This is the story...

I met James in April 98, and we went out for close to a
year.. we later broke up because he was going though his
divorce and was a little flaky, me thinking (at the time)
that if he had no time for me, then I had no time for him..
(I know a stupid mistake).

We broke up new years morning of 1999. He kissed me good bye
as I kissed him and we never spoke again... I sent him a
letter telling him that I loved him, (not to get back with
him) but to tell him how I felt about him, hoping that he
would realize what he lost..
Still I heard nothing.

In Feb 2000 I met Brett, I thought at first how much he
looked like, and acted like James, (who wouldn't when you
loved and lost?) I dated Brett for 6 months before we moved
in together, everything went so fast.. but I felt that we
were meant to be together (after all he paid alot more
attention to me than James ever did.)

Brett loves me, he adores me, he makes me laugh even when
all I want to do is cry, he is the best thing that ever
happened to me, he suports every thought; desision I
make/have.

Why is it then that I all I can think of lately is James?

Almost 2 months ago while Brett and I were having a fun day
out(bowling) we bumped into James, he looked so good, I felt
so wierd standing there, looking at him, wishing I could
kiss him, hug him... with Brett standing beside me holding
my hand.

I went back to where James worked 2 weeks later and gave him
a letter that I wrote to him, telling him a little about
what has been happening to me, and gave him my address, my
email address, and my ICQ number, in hopes that he would
contact me...

I waited and waited.. nothing.. I droped the idea that he
ever wanted to talk to me again... I know girls feel things
about their ex's that some guys never feel!

SUPRISE, SUPRISE, I got an email from him, saying that he
was finally able to get his computer up and running and now
he has yahoo messanger and email, so that if I wanted to
still talk to him, I could... (can you guess what my
thoughts were)

We've talked once...(on computer) was weird we took most of
the time catching up on things, he asked me a couple of
times about Brett but I never answered.. I jumped around the
subject. I avoided it. and he droped it too...

And now I sit and wait.. thinking about him, waiting for him
to again come online, so I can talk to him, i can't wait to
see him on the weekend.. Brett and I happen to be going to
where he is working...

Why do I feel like this? am I nuts.. I am thinking even
about calling off the engagment, I don't know if Brett is
the one that I really love after all... but now with the
pregnancy.. what the hell am I to do?

Do I stay with Brett despite that fact that I love another
man at the same time? Do I leave Brett and hope that James
wants something with me?
Help me...

I sent him the words to my favorite love song.. ( I wonder
what he thought) did he get my sublime message? that I hoped
that he would?
I want to know what he is thinking... Does he dream about
me? does he want to see me as bad as I want to see him?

I hate this...

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