Heart of Tanglewood

The Ravings of a Teenage Girl
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2001-10-31 22:07:09 (UTC)

Back from school

I'm back from school today. I don't think I'd realized how
Much of a major crush I have on D until today. Man, I hate
feeling weak like this. I think the only reason I like him
is because he's so unattainable. I want to go to Astro World
with him and his friends. But instead, I'm going to dress up
like Maid Marion and Trick-or-Treat with my brother. I'm
depressed about this. Majorly. It doesn't matter anyway
because even if he had invited me (aahhahahaha like that
would ever happen) My parents would never let me go with a
bunch of strangers (to them) to Astro World. I lent him my
black nail polish for Halloween. He's going to return it on
Monday, I forgot to tell him I won't be here on Monday. I
don't think I'm going to get it back. But I sort of like the
fact that he has something of mine (sounds weird huh?)

Last night I dreamt that he was singing at a Third Eye Blind
Concert. Then he got off the stage and handed me a
microphone that I had to hand to other kids. Instead I
grabbed him and kissed him. We just started making out. I
mean I've dreamt I've kissed a guy, but this was so much more
real then that. It didn't feel like sex, it felt more like I
was hugging him. Like a make out between friends. It was
weird. Since that dream I've been attracted to him allot
more, but in a different way. It's still sexual but it's
different now. It's not love I know that. I know that I
don't have the mental capacity, or the experience to fall in
love. Besides, I hardly know him. He keeps me at a distance
for some reason. I don't know if that's just the way he is
or what. I don't even think he likes me anyway. It's just
that I can't get him out of my mind.

Reasons why I shouldn't like "D"
1. He has absolutely no respect for me.
2. He is mean.
3. He is rude
4. He is boring; his life doesn't consist of one iota of
things that I'm interested in.
5. He never/rarely asks me questions about myself, I'm
practically doing all the talking most of the time, unless it's
about something he's interested in.
6. He's very immature.
7. He's two years younger than me (some people say that's
gross but it doesn't change anything for me)
8. He makes me feel intimidated by guys.
9. Sometimes I think I'm going to cry. I hate him so much
for making me feel unimportant.
10. (This is really about myself) I always pick the pricks
to like, but there usually the cutest ones!
11. He used to hang out with me and sit with me and stuff
and know he barely talks to me. I mean what's that about?
What changed between us?
12. He's my first real crush on a guy.
13. (Okay this should be number 4) He's the only, let me
Repeat ONLY (except MZ whose totally unavailable) Cute guy in
the entire school!! I am not exaggerating.
14. I worship him, and I think he knows it, that why he
tortures me.

Okay, that's all I can think of now

Reason why I'm kissing the ground he walks on.
1. He's really cute
2. He's got this great cologne and he smells so good.
3. He's actually letting me give him hair advice (that's the
nicest thing he's done for me and it's really cute)
4. He never lets me touch him (another weakness of mine)
5. He likes all my favorite bands
6. He's ultra cool and he's knows exactly how to be ultra
7. He's got nice blue eyes.
8. He likes nail polish (white out actually)
9. He dresses cooler than any kid does in the school
10. Whenever only I can hear, he flirts with me.
11. I just love being close to him; I walk back to the water
fountains (right next to his classroom) like three times just incase I
can get a glimpse of him.
12. I love being near him. My heart starts to beat and my face turns
13. Today, I was opening the door for a woman carrying a table and he
opened it for me (I don't know what this means, but I almost died)
14. Sometimes I just feel like running up to him and hugging him. He
just looks like a sweet guy. But then I remember that he's D, my heart
kind of sinks a bit.

Whatever, I'm just hung up on a damn scrub. I need to shake it off but
I'm having too much fun ( I guess). Does anyone have any advice for
me? Maybe something I'm missing. Maybe I'm taking this too far.