Blown Apart: A Window to my Soul
2001-10-31 18:08:32 (UTC)

And so it begins..

I've always wanted to have a web journal, but I have
generally just been too lazy to start one. I used to keep
journals for myself, but they always seemed too dramatic
and dishonest to me. I think that, because they were
essentially me talking to myself, I exaggerated life too
much. I want to be able to bare myself for real, and I
think having a public, online journal will help with that.
It beats writing journal-like posts to

Anyway, I'll start at the beginning. My name is Lester
Byrnum, and I am going to die. Nah. That's not true.
I've just always wanted to have a reason to say that.

My name is Rhett Aultman. I am 22 years old. I graduated
from the University of Florida six months ago with a degree
in business and computer science. Three days ago, I
started my new job with FCCI Insurance Group as a web-based
applications programmer. I am scratching out a salary of
$40k/yr, and am frankly just happy to have a job in my
field right now. Other than that, I really dislike what
I've seen of my job thus far. My co-workers all look like
cookie-cutters of each other. They're all pretty much sold
into their jobs and their spouses and their kids and such.
They appear to have accepted life as it is, and that's not
my way. All of them seem pretty into their jobs, too,
which I can't say that I am. It makes me wonder why it is
that I'm so different from them.

My work schedule thus far is not very pleasing, either. I
get up at about 06:00 and try to hustle out the door by
06:30. I drive for an hour to Sarasota, where I work. I
try to get there at 07:30 so that I can start my 8-hour day
a half-hour earlier than my co-workers. I also cut my
lunch hour to a lunch half-hour. I do this so I can get
out the door by 16:00 and make it home by 17:00. Unlike my
Sarasota-dwelling co-workers, I have to stretch things
because I spend two hours on the road every day. It's only
been three days, but thus far, I have not really cared much
for this heavy juggling of my personal and work life. It's
very tiring. Last night, for example, I went to bed at
19:30 just because I was that exhausted. I hope that I'll
learn to adjust, because my alternatives don't seem that

I suppose I could just move to Sarasota, but there are
three major factors getting in my way. First, all of my
friends live in Temple Terrace. This means I have to drive
an hour to see anybody who cares about me as a person. My
mental state deteriorates when there's a lack of love in my
life, and right now I'm pretty lonesome as it is (see
below), so I'm not sure I could handle making matters
worse. Second, renting options in Sarasota suck. Frankly,
I have no clue how my co-workers are affording to live, so
my guess is that either they're all married or they're
getting paid a shitload more than I am. I'm siding with
the second one, since $40k/yr for software development is
cheap. Third, I don't want to keep this shit job forever,
so I'm not sure moving my life here is wise. Seeing as how
I really am not liking things, my current policy is to keep
this job only until something better (like a job in Temple
Terrace paying a more fair wage) comes along. I want to
continue to appear available for that job, so moving to
Sarasota makes me look like things are out-of-the-way. Oh,
and then there's the very minor fact that Sarasota is a
place to raise a family, not a place for a polyamorous,
psychedelic satyr like myself to find friends and/or
lovers. It's a dead end, and I fear I'm walking towards it.

On to my personal life. I live with two friends, D and C.
I rent a fairly comfortable bedroom from them for a very
reasonable rate. I will not be able to continue to live
there for much longer, though. Part of this is because I
have become a different person than I was when I met them
(and they have become different people, too), and the three
of us no longer enjoy one another's company that much. The
other issue is that they are planning on having a family,
and since I can't stand children, I will have to leave when
they get started on those plans. In short, I'm losing my
cheap home, and I'll need to start making decisions soon.

I have two other very close friends that have known me for
years, A and S. One is getting married soon, and so he'll
be vacating the other's apartment. This might be my
opportunity to pick up a very cheap, but less comfortable,
bedroom. My ideal living place is with the tribe
inhabiting Haus Boheme, a very wonderful group of people
whom I have grown to love quickly. Unfortunately, all the
rooms in their house have been taken. Oh, well. Maybe in
the future. The future, right now, is a very mysterious

I'm in love. That should be a highlight, but it's both
wonderful and a deep source of sorrow in my life. I'm in
love with M, and have been for years. We used to live
together in a very small one-bedroom apartment, but we
drove each other mad until we nearly resented each other
(even though we still loved each other). She took a job
offer in Virginia, and I sent her away because I felt she
needed some time alone to mature more. What saddens me is
that she did just that, and now is everything I'd ever
wished her to be...and now she's too far away to see
regularly. She flies in once a month. I'll probably start
doing the same, too. Once a month isn't enough, though. I
love her. I love her more than anything I've ever known.
All I want is to hold her and press my lips to her
porcelain skin. I want to come home from this miserable
job and see her smiling face at the door and hear "Hello,
my bunnywun. Come let your bunny snuggle your bad day
away." That's how we used to live, and I felt like I was
the happiest man to ever live. Now, I instead just come
home to the knowledge that she's not there and neither is
anyone to substitute her role. I'm very lonely, and I have
a very hard time meeting people worth being friends with.
Again, it's another dead end that I feel I'm walking down.
All I can do is try to get up and go again tomorrow.
Honestly, I don't know how anyone can live like this.

What's worse is that my hunger remains. In college, I used
to think that all would be well when I graduated and got
out in the real world and was making money and a life for
myself. It hasn't worked that way thus far. First, I was
miserable because I had no job. Now I have the job and can
make a life for myself, but I don't want any part of it.
Harry Chapin once said "I've got something inside me that
could drive a princess blind." That's how I feel right
now. Everywhere I look, I see nothing and nowhere, and
anywhere else seems like a better place to be. Part of me
wants to just drop out. Just get in my car and start
driving. Go nowhere in particular. Make just enough money
to survive and keep me going to the next place. But what
would that achieve? What would that get me except the
open, empty road, no home, and an even more empty life?
Part of me thinks I belong in a commune, and there I
probably could be happy, but is that what I really want?
Do I want to grow vegetables forever? I just don't know.
Another part of me wants to drop out and live with M. She
promised to take care of me like I used to take care of
her. I could look for work there, and then she and I would
at least be together. I'd at least solve the need of
having someone to come home to. But what to do should
things go sour with us then? I feel like everywhere I'm
turning, there are spikes. There just don't seem to be
good options left.

Well, just three hours left in my workday. Then the hour
drive home. Maybe this time I'll have enough energy to go
talk to someone tonight. I really need someone's love.