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2001-10-31 02:39:18 (UTC)

30 Oct 2001 8:25 pm Utter Exhaustion

Seems like I never get any rest at all. The washer and
dryer are both going as I type this, making all kinds of
noise and shaking the floor. It's really driving me nuts.
I slept from around 9 am 'til 4 pm today, so you would
think, at least I would think, I should be full of energy
and ready to go. Instead, my stomach feels like it has a
boulder in it and my head feels foggy. My muscles and
joints are achy-I'm just thankful that, like an old drunk
once told me "I ain't gonna live forever." I know that if
things stayed exactly as they are now, with all the stress
I feel choking me, that I would definitely not want to live
forever. Mom wants a divorce from Dad, and as is usual
with him, he's simply ignoring her. If it's something he
doesn't want to deal with, he's a master at simply stone
walling it away. Anyhow, I feel too tired to write much
more. I just sometimes wish I could go live in a tent or
something out in the woods in the middle of no where for a
year or something, and have no contact with anyone other
than my own soul. I think that would do me a world of
good. Once in college I was horribly depressed, and I
spent many hours sitting in the courtyard in front of Boyd
Hall just smoking (a bad habit), listening to the the birds
sing and watching the moon at night, the sun at day, and
the clouds. After a few weeks, I felt refreshed and full
of energy. I believe something like that would do me good
now. We have a forest behind our house, but I just can't
seem to commune with anything here with my parents. I
can't commune with nature, or with my soul. So I can just
say that something has to change for me soon, because I
can't live like this much longer without some kind of break.