Puzzling out my life
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2001-10-31 01:43:26 (UTC)

last night

I was talking to Brendan last night, and after listening to
me whine about wanting to talk to Scott, he asked me why I
don't just call him. I ended up writing him a letter, and
telling him everything about what has been going on in the
past two weeks, and how I've been feeling, and what I want.
Then I went and watched Bridget Jones Diary, which made me
more depressed, since I wondered if this was the last
chance I'd have at a relationship, and I'd end up 32,
unmarried and sleeping with my sleazy boss. After I'd
calmed down a little, I checked my mail, and saw a letter
from Scott, telling me to print the letter, then get
offline. He had written me a 2 page letter, that had me in
tears. I sat there, wondering if I should call him, and
actually dialed the number several times, but kept hanging
up before I could hit the last number. I finnally got the
nerve up, and when he answered I didn't know what to say.
It took me about 10 seconds to think, and I finnally just
said I was sorry. He immediatly knew it was me. We spent
four hours talking, and he told me that he wants me back,
but he doesn't want to pressure me. I started feeling
extremely guilty. Here he was telling me how much he loves
me, and the past few weeks, I've been obsessing over
Patrick. I told Scott most of what had happened between us,
and then I realized that he was going to find out
eventually, so I told him that I had cheated on him. He got
quiet, then told me that he had known, sort of. He had been
talking to Jen last week, and Jen has Patrick staying with
her. I guess Pat tried covering things up to Jen, because
she told Scott that Pat was only trying to be a shoulder
for me to cry on. Except that I don't recall that I was
crying at the time. Oh well. Scott is coming up tommorrow
so we can talk about everything. I've already made it quite
clear that I'm not ready to jump back into a relationship,
and its more than just needing time. I told him a few of
the reasons that I had broken up with him, since I hadn't
said it all that night. I'm just really hoping that I'm not
going to make another mistake.

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