losergirl

F**k the xerox machine i'm original

well im feeling a little better today. i spoke to jennie
last night and i apologised. i know i have been venting my
anger on others lately, well i guess i have...so anyway i
said "sorry for being a stupid mean volcanoe and spewing my
lava all over you" and she said "lol thats ok" then we were
all cool. corey wrote about me in his journal
yesterday...here's what he wrote...

"checked sam's diary, and her emails. She's really hurting,
and so now I'm really hurting. I didn't feel like crying,
but I did feel all choked up when I was reading her soul on
screen. A lot of crap is goin on with the whole youth group
crew, and it seems like she's stuck in the middle. I don't
know what's going on tho, cause I hardly talk to any of
those guys anymore. Though I think that it is partially
Sam's fault (yep Sam I'm writing this next bit for you).
She mentioned in her diary that she changed to the pre-
tasmania sam when she moved back, so that she'd come back
the same way as everyone remembered her. She probably
wasted the best oppurtunity she would've had to show off
the 'new her.' I think part of her emotional stress is her
just trying to meet people's expectations, whether they
exist or not. But then again, I don't know every aspect of
her life, and I could be completely wrong. I just hope
whatever it is that I can help her out, cause I want to be
able to be there for her [I really care for you Sam, and
it'll take a lot for you to get on my bad side, luv u]. She
wants to go on a student exchange program next year, I hope
she's not just doing that to get away. No matter how far or
how fast you run, your problems will always catch up to
you."

i feel a little bad i really didnt want to burden cozza
with my pain, he has enough on his plate already, it still
touched me that he cares so much though(luv u 2)..
i think he is partially right, my never ending want to make
others feel good, makes me feel bad. i think i give all my
smiles away and keep none for myself. i think i have
decided, im also a full moon like corey, maybe thats why me
and corey get along so good. i'm pretty normal around him
though, maybe thats cause he knows me so well. I mean what
he wrote up there in his journal hit the nail on the head.
i am going to try and be me from now on and then hopefully
i wont be so angry at everything and then hopefully i can
be the real me and still nice all at once. my true friends will like
me anyway until i sort it out. what he said about the youth group
stuff being partially my fault, confused me, but im
dumb...lol.

hmm well im still home, im going round to jen's later to
have a chat before small group, i might tell her
everything, i really need to tell someone and i know she
has been through so much and can probably help me
understand the world a little better. one day me and corey
will have the inevitable "chat" and i'll just spill it all,
but then he will know me thoroughly and completely, he
might get bored of me or think less of me. its easy to say
that he wont but there is only one real way to find
out..maybe i will write it all in here soon, then at least
someone else knows, and i dont have to even say it. no
matter how horrible i can be, i can never be mean to jen
and corey, those to really are my guardian angels. i dont
mean to be mean to everyone else but sometimes if i dont
let out my anger i go crazy...i wish i could stop it or say
sorry better. looks like i'll be the humble one with beck,
we have to work it out, i miss her already...

todd has been such a good friend lately. he makes me smile
non stop every time i chat to him. we both have the same
quirky stuff in common. we both like x-men an batman and
dilbert, we have the same sense of humour so its cool. i
wish i knew him a little better but im sure i'll get there.
i really do have some good friends, i should be more
greatful...

well i sent in my application today to spend four weeks in
italy next july. i decided not to go for 6 months like i
had planned, thanks to some good advice from corey. i guess
i would just be running away and i should have learnt from
previous revelations that coming back from tasmania(ie. changing
locations) didnt make me all better...i would miss people alot to and
i have my whole life to travel, and plus i have always wanted to
see italy, i just dont think i would want to spend half a
year there right away. this way i can get a taste of it, i
think a month is just long enough. i dont have to go to
school or anything for that month, i do learn a bit of the
language though, i already know a bit so that wont be to
bad. wanna hear? ciao bello, come ti chiami? mi chiamo
samantha. come stai? io molte bene. dove abito? numero di
telephone e? di telephone e cinque cinque nove uno nove uno
duo otto. grazi..buongiorna...

hehe do you wanna know what i said? i said hi handsome,
whats your name? my name is samantha. how are you? im very
good. where do you live? can i have your phone number? mine
is 55919128...thankyou goodbye. i can remember i few other
things but im a bit rusty, its a really fun language to
speak!

well im going to small group tonight its pajama party week
lol. the things these girls come up with. so i wont talk to
you till late tomorrow night because im going shopping with
corey after school, should be good, i finally get my
cuddle! you will be glad to hear corey decided to stay in
the band..i hope he's doing it for him though, i dont want
him unhappy. :-(

i havent spoken to joe in so long, we really arent best
friends anymore and i miss him, but it is very uncommon
girls and guys just stay friends, one side usually likes
the other one a little more than friends. of course there
is a few exceptions when both people know the boundaries.
poor joe, i wish him and beck would get together for both
thier sakes...

well this entry is jumbled and my thooughts are literally
jumping around (as if you can't already tell) well i best go
and kill my brain cells by surfing there net for another
hour!

good bye peoples

hmm i am reading a relatively amusing book at the
moment..its called nirvanas children its not about nirvana
though lol...
heres a funny quote i stumbled across..

the houses have closed thier eyes and are snoring. In the
suburbs everyhouse is xeroxed. Reality has been xeroxed.
All the happy mummies and daddies and little kiddies are
xeroxed. They want me to be xeroxed.
Fuck the xerox machine!
I'm original--nirvana's children page 7