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2001-10-31 00:06:32 (UTC)

"The Break Up"

Well after all of our problems, Kalua and I finally
broke up. We talked about it and decided this was best and
I was fine. Not sad or upset or mad or depressed. We
talked and played around and stuff for like an hour and a
half and acted like nothing changed. He was still picking
me up and making nasty comments and stuff. Then he had to
go and he walked me to my door. It was hard but I thought
that I'd be fine. Well I wasn't. He hugged me real tight
and it felt like the last one, you know? Like we were
ending everything right then and there. Well I knew that I
was about to start crying and so I told him that he needed
to leave cuz Fabian had to get home and I tried to get away
and he wouldn't let go of me and he looked at me and saw
that I was crying and he held me so tight. That made me
cry even harder. I hate when people see me cry. Especially
at times like that, and people like him. He let go and was
holding my waist still and asked if he could kiss me and I
started crying again and we hugged again and then he made
me look at him and we kissed. Damn he is one hell of a
kisser. I kinda wish that we wouldn't have kissed because
it made it so much harder. I want to be with him more then
anything in the world. I would give anything. Then he
called me 45 minutes later asking if he could come back
over and I could tell he'd been crying. He looked at me
and said, "You know I've spent the last half hour crying?
I think I did the right thing but I don't." And he looked
like he was gonna cry again. Then my sister came out and
said she needed to talk to him and they talked for maybe
45 minutes and I finally walked over and he said he had to
go and to listen to what my sister had to tell me. Then I
talked to Ashley and she said he still loves me and wants
to be with me but he doesn't know if it can work and it's
my call whether we try again. Then I call him and he
didn't act like that at all. He was all, "So we can still
be friends?" And I was hoping that we could be more so it
kinda sucked.
But the thing that is scaring me it that I have that
feeling in my stomache again. Like the one you get when
you know that you are in a shit load of trouble and you
feel nautious, well I've had it for the past 3 days and I
can't eat. I'm down to 98 pounds. Usually I weigh around
114 but I have been gradually losing weight recently
because I've been to sad and stressed to eat. But Megan
and Aubrey,my sister, are both with me 24/7 and they know
that I haven't eaten in 3 days and they keep trying to get
me to eat but I'm not hungry. Megan gave me this Nutri-
Grain bar shit this morning and I wouldn't eat it and she
told me she'd beat my ass if I didn't and then I told her I
would in a little while and then in second period, I was
talking to Jorge (Kalua's drop dead gorgeous best friend)
and he said he was hungry and I told him he could have my
Nutri- Grain bar if he told Megan that I ate it and he
agreed. Then he started asking me if I am anorexic and
shit and I was like "no way, never" and come to find out,
Megan asked him if I ate anything and he said that he
shared it with me and asked why and she said that she was
gonna beat my ass if I didn't because I haven't eaten in 3
days and he said, "Fuck that. I'm gonna beat her ass!"
And I don't want people making a big deal out of it just
because I'm not hungry. And I really don't want anyone
telling Kalua. This does nt need to be passed around
school. well I am gonna go lay down...


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