Sats

life in borderspace
2001-10-30 21:39:33 (UTC)

I wonder what this is for

(Disclaimer: don't get too use to this self abasing style of
entry....I'm usually more interesting and less concerned about
myself. However, on occassion these will appear as I continue the
journey and try to figure out what in the blue hell is wrong with
everyone)

Well the next phase of soul searching has begun. What have
I found out so far? Quite a bit actually. I am a sad sad
person. Not the kind of sad that makes you gullible to
telephone commercials or cheesy sentiments but the kind
that makes you feel as though your heart would explode
under the weight. The sadness that accompanies loneliness,
the sadness that comes from always looking at things that
you will never have and the sadness from wanting to be able
to lift the world off someones shoulders and not being able
to move a pebble. I mentioned loneliness which is funny
because all I want to be is alone, without partner, without
responsibility. The thought of being alone to decipher
myself is calming but the thought of being lonely forever
is overwhelming. I never thought that my existence would
ever take first place in the lives of some but I was
comfortable with second, I just never wanted second to be
meaningless. I need to know that I make some difference
and ease some of the pain because otherwise my pain becomes
too much. If I know that I am easing the life of someone
else then the state of total agonizing disrepair that my
own life is in seems less scary. My real life....the
actual me....is an abyss. A vast stretch of nothingness
that I can't face. And I say that not having never tried
but with the knowledge of having tried and failed. It is
easy to feel emotions but much harder to trace them to
their source. Sometimes it's just easier to let them fall
on the closest thing...but that's not fair. Of course in
this world the first thing we learn is that nothing is ever
fair...life's not fair right? Oh the lessons we learn....I can say
one thing for sure there are lessons to be learned but I ain't no
teacher...I'll have to leave that exhausting chore to someone
else....besides it's not like anyone would really listen to me
anyways....I'm just a confused 23 year old girl what do I know about
life. I think they'd be surprised...but like I said...what do I
know. Anyways, I digress. I have come across many people whose
mantra is not to judge...unfortunately these are usually the same
people who will condemn your actions as an excuse, or an attack, or
to protect themselves. Their lashings hurt but they know that and
don't have to feel bad because they're not saying anything about you
that the whole world wouldn't say. Fair enough. I can't do that. I
wish I could...but I never do. I try to think that makes me better
but really it makes me weak...it makes me a joke! Everything in this
life can be overcome...it always does get better. It just takes
time. For now all I want is to matter.