Infiniterocker

hello kitty cat
2001-10-30 17:32:59 (UTC)

Take a picture

I'm at school..in photo. I have a really bad headache. I
don't know if it's just left over from last night...or the
lack of sleep..or the pills. I don't know. It's probably
all of the above. I am still upset about Jason. I don't
want it to be like this. I just want to be with him...but
if he doesn't want to be with me then ...well..lol...yeah.
I wish I knew what he was waiting for. I wish I could see
inside him....Maybe that would help. Why is this all
happening?
Say you are looking for some ancient coin...at the bottom
of the ocean..and it's supposed to be at a certain
location..but you really don't know. You have to dive down
and look for it to know for sure. But do you really want to
go through all the work it takes to find it...? When you're
not even sure it's there? I don't know if Jason would. I
am. My analogies suck. lol.
I don't want anyone but him. I don't know if he sees that.
But obviously he is waiting for something. I almost feel
like I'm something to keep him busy until Caitlin comes
back to him..even though he says he doesn't want her.
I just can't forget all he has said.
Last night he said he wanted to be with me but at the same
time he didn't want to be with me..then he said that
didn't come out right..well what the hell is right? I know
it's all ok but last night showed me that something is
wrong. And I don't know if he really wants to try.
I think he knows that I don't want any of those guys.
I don't want to try with Chance..or any of them.
I don't want to.
I don't think he knows.
I think about trying sometimes..but I wouldn't ever..not as
long as I had Jason.
I need a clear sign..I need to see it.
I tried to look in his eyes and see...but I was unable to
even look...I don't know why he upsets me so much. It
doesn't make sense.
I need to get through this week. I think I'll have a better
idea of what's right at the end.
Part of me thinks..wow..Jason is acting like this..and bla
bla bla..so maybe this is all just something I made
up...maybe I just think I need to be with him..but maybe he
knows something I don't..or maybe I know something he
doesn't.
I have faith right now that I will find that fucking coin
though..even if I have to dive down a few times.