some guy

Who Cares?
2001-10-30 17:31:47 (UTC)


What the fuck is going on with my life? One day she is all
happy and the next she is mad at me for no reason. And what
can I do about it? I can tell something is up. I've known
her for ages and I'm not stupid, although she seems to
think I am. When I ask she always says nothing is up, and
if I ask again she gets pissed off. I really can't win. I
know she's thinking about her ex but she won't admit it.
Why is she with me? I really can't figure it out.
I hate this. Knowing that she's thinking of him but telling
me she's only thinking of me. Maybe I am stupid and she is
only thinking of me, but I bet she couldn't look me in the
eye and tell me that.
The other day things were going well. I had arranged to see
my best friend for his 21st birthday and I was going to
stop over at his house. That, to me, is a fair enough thing
to do, but as usual she says she's going to see her ex. She
always says that when I'm going to visit my friend, every
single time. I hate it. She knows it tears me up when she
sees him, and I can only think she does it to make me
jealous, and it works. But if I seem jealous then she gets
moody at me. But then a couple of days before she gets an
ear infection. I offer to stay but she insists I go. So she
says she isn't going to go out with him as she's not
feeling up to it.
The day I get back she comes to pick me up from my parents
and says she's been shopping. I ask if she went with her
mom. All I get is No. I obviously know who she has been
with then but will she tell me? Will she fuck. And this is
the kind of thing that I can't stand. It pisses me off,
then she gets pissed off with me, and it just goes round
and round.
We then seemed to spend the whole day not talking. If she
had just said she'd been with him then I probably wouldn't
have been so annoyed. I mean, the car stank of fags and I
don't smoke, she doesn't smoke, so I assumed someone else
had been in the car. How stupid does she think I am? So I
asked her why she didn't tell me who she went with and she
just said she didn't know. Fuck. I'm getting sick of this.
Today she had a go at me for not telling her about an idea
I've had and that I think she doesn't care about thinks
like that. The truth is that I told her right as I thought
of it and she just changed the subject. Then I was telling
her today on the way to lunch and she changed the subject
again. What am I supposed to think? Christ, she's
I don't think I can deal with this. The fact that she is
always lying to me. Not major lies like sleeping around
behind my back or anything (I hope) but just constant
little lies. I think that's even worse. It means I can
hardly tell what she's thinking any more. She just won't
talk to me.
A friend of mines boyfriend told her that he fancied
someone else, even though they were engaged and everything.
As much as I hate the guy (from ages ago) I admire his
honesty. I don't think she would ever admit something like
that to me. She'd just keep deceiving me, as if everything
was OK. Much like she does in fact. That gets me down.
Right down.
And they we have some sex and she tells me she loves me and
it's all forgotten. I wish it wasn't like that. I wish she
would talk to me instead of fucking me and then forgetting,
cos I know she doesn't actually forget.
I need her to communicate with me. I used to think we were
one, but now we're more like three or four.
I hope her ex is happy, as I'm sure he knows what he's
doing. In fact I'm positive he is, and she is when they're
I wonder if she even gives me a second thought. I doubt it.
I know that's not nice to say, but it's not nice to realise
either. She tells me she does think of me, but I can't
believe it. I just imagine her being so happy to see him as
he come running. That's what she loves. She loves the
attention. I show her attention all the time but she just
doesn't take any notice of me. I'm just old news I guess.
I sometimes wish she would read this to see how much her
actions hurt me. She once told me she could imagine what it
would be like if I was seeing an ex of mine and that it
would hurt her so much. The next day she arranged to see
him. I wonder if she actually realises who is at whoms beck
and call?