nin137

Nick's Journal
2001-10-30 07:04:19 (UTC)

My Friend the Dragon Slayer

I can think back on all the stupid shit I've done (and
there's plenty of it let me tell ya). Yet, when I add up
all the fucked up tests, skipping any and all college
orientations, saying stupid shit to the wrong people, and
just being an ass, there's only ONE moment in my life that
I regret, only one moment I would like back. NO it's not
the moment I grunted in disgust when asked to picture a
rather obese girl in a bathing suit, it's not when I fell
on sarah on the ice and couldnt get up. It's not when
anyone died or, anything stupid i've done or said. Rather
it's what I didn't say or do at a certain time. Someone
(i'm sure he's really famous) said that you'll regret the
shit you didn't do more than that which you do. And i
second that so strongly. If there is one moment in my life
that i would want to re-do it would have to be with a
certain girl on a certain horse ranch. This certain girl
is Leen and this certain horse ranch is in austria. It'd
just be too cheesy to recount the whole situation, but I
overlooked a question that could potentially have changed
the path that i took and where it has led me. For some odd
reason i wihs i could go back and have her ask me again. I
want this time that I pay attention and say "yes".
Instead of watching the birds fly from the horse's back to
the barn, I'd rather look in her eyes and tell her yes, and
then head home with her. I'd rather gaze into her eyes
right now than who i see everyday. Why? because it's a
different life, and i just wonder what it would be like.
but maybe i'm overreacting.....i mean surely that one
answer wouldn't have changed me THAT much......right?

-- so here i go on the sad note. i want my alter-pseudo-
anthropomorphized-counter-part to come back to me :-(. i
want everything to be ok. and i can't possibly go on
without seeing my personified friend once again. i shudder
to think that she may be off into the far hills of my
memory now. let's just put it this way. if there's one
person "god" had better not take from me it's her. I mean
who else will I joke with, talk with, and know everything
about (or atleast i THINK i know everything ;0)). but
seroiusly. my friend is so great becasue she knows the
assholes and gives me my strength through her opinions.
she doesn't conform and she's blunt. she doesn't like
someone, or try to like someone. she realizes idiots and
strays away. she's far stronger than anyone i know so why
is it that i'm in most danger of losing HER! i mean my
pseudo-animalistic-counter-part. who will sit with me and
laugh bout the ego-maniac monster that crams itself so far
into its cave that it can only see its own worries and
narcisstical goals, the embodiment of false ideas and
notions that everyone tries to lure out so as to convert?
who else will make me realize that not EVERYONE fears the
monster, and there are those that are brave enough to not
only say 'fuck it' but also sometimes go into that cave and
poke it with a stick and then laugh at its aggitation. a
friend that doesn't fear the monster....my one and only, as
corny as it might seem, the knight in shining armor that
has the tactics to slay. welllllll as always i will just
say that i don't need to help, out of all the people (i
mean pseudo-friends) i have, i know that she'll always be
ok. and no matter what, we'll always laugh about
the "others" and ride in my 'satan-killing-mobile' only
this time we won't reach our destination, for it lies
within our happiness, and we are eternally flying through
the air, after jumping off the mountain.

-- so it is ----- i promised no more --- and if you
don't like those sappy sentimental ones then don't scroll
down ;-) ---------
Make me feel the relief of a test well done.
Make me feel that you'll always be there un-conditionally.
Make me feel that you put my dog to shame with your silence
and listening skills.
Make me feel that i'm better than anyone in this world and
that the only way i could possibly stand any higher would
be if i stood on your shoulders.
Make me feel as if my problems and worries don't matter,
don't just let me forget them, but reassure me.
Make me feel like I'm listening to the climax of my
favorite song over and over, so that I feel that
indescribable feeling forever.
Remind me with your knowing, caring eyes that you and I are
the only two who understand the situation/person/idea.
Let me know that even though EVERYONE else adores the
golden calf, you and I will stand to the side and smile to
each other as the others kiss the cold, gold hooves and
pretend not to feel the chill.
Just so that when everyone and everything in this world
turns against me I won't be with my back against the wall
but with my back against yours.
I know your secrets and you know even more of mine.
So we keep on talking, and laughing, flying along teetering
on the brink of time.