Sarahbellum

who I'm not

I never imagined myself to be one of those sado-masochist
that enjoyed pain...so why do I hurt myself? I don't pour
hot wax on my hand, or stick needles into my anus. I DID
just bite my hand hard so I would scream with the ache in
my heart, and it didn't hurt. There are still marks, but
no pain in my hand. My cheeks burn from my tears though.
I don't know how I'm supposed to take this pain when I'm
the one beating myself up. So happy so often. But when
someone sees me laughing I doubt that they know that is
just the extreme happiness that comes just before the fall
when I hurt so much I can't breathe or talk and the only
sounds I can make are ones filled with abject pain that are
so distant from laughter and I remember what it's like to
want to kill yourself, just to escape for those three
minutes I have decided it takes to move from one hell to
another.