a little piece of me
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2001-10-29 23:44:42 (UTC)

something has changed...

today, as i headed off for school, i realized something in
me has changed. something felt different. i thought about
it all morning, and i couldn't put my finger on what that
something was. as i was walking to my art class, i
realized what that something was. i am now not content
just to be different from the rest of society. i want to
be cut off from it completely. it's hard to describe, and
i'm not sure what brought about this change. something has
been building for awhile now...

geez, i sound like a lunatic sometimes. but you know
what?? i really don't care. i'm tired of being sorry for
who i am. today, i got in a fight with this girl i used to
be friends with. it wasn't like a physical fight, but more
like an argument. see, she's my lab partner in animal
physiology, and we had to use the physiograph last week.
she got hooked up to it, and we measured her breathing. it
records this shit on a graph. we then have to cut the
graph up and write reports and stuff. well, she said she
would make me a copy of the results, so i said fine. i
figured she would do it. got to class the next day, and
she hadn't had time. so, i was like, ok, whatever. come
today during class, and she still didn't have my copy. the
damn thing is due tomorrow, and i have a major fucking test
(i should be studying now, but i just got out of
class...too tired to study right now). anyway, i got
pissed at her, because she knows i have a test tomorrow
(she's also in that class). then she got bent out of
shape and yelled at me for getting mad. she's always
telling me that i can't get mad, that i have no right to
get mad. her and all the others, actually. they were
always telling me, in some form or another, that it wasn't
ok for me to be mad, or depressed, or hurt. they accepted
only happiness. that's a bunch of bullshit. anyway, who
the hell is she to tell me how to feel? she was bitching
that i should have taken the results and made copies. i
asked her last week if she wanted me to do it, and she said
no!!! i said as much and she just stormed off. i'm still
pissed at her. i think today was just an excuse. i can't
stand her. she's one that likes to make me feel like shit
so she can feel better. she's been that way since i've
known her (almost 4 years...). she makes me sick to my
fucking stomach. she's so fucking vain. i hate vanity. i
really honestly do.

anyway, now that that's out. i still don't feel any
better! i feel anxious again. i would so love to feel the
cool hard edge of a blade against my skin, but michael made
me promise not to do it again. speaking of michael, my
poor baby is sick. i called the other day and woke him
up. i felt so bad! he was so sweet...he said he'd rather
talk to me than sleep. i talked to his grandpa for a few
minutes while he was waking up. lol...his grandpa was
like, oh he'd kill me if he knew you called and i didn't
wake him up...something to that effect. i miss him so
much. i spend more time thinking about him than anything
else. i really hate that. i'm setting myself up to get
hurt really bad. i'd do almost anything to make this work
with him, but i don't think he feels the same way. i mean,
he says as much, but i'm not convinced. maybe i'm being
paranoid again. i don't really know.

sigh...well, i'm still in a fair amount of pain :D my arms
hurt like a bitch from hoisting bodies around and moshing
and shoving and stuff like that. got several good sized
bruises all over, as well. that's so fucking wonderful!
it was nice to be able to let loose for once. generally
i'm pretty uptight about, well, everything. that's going
to stop, though. i'm tired of it all. i feel like i'm
getting things back under control. i don't feel so
frantic, like i'm lost in the dark and i'm just reaching
out, trying to find someting to hold on to anymore. we'll
see how long that lasts. hard to say.

well, i guess that's it. heather, if you're reading this,
i hope you had a good day. tell tabitha i said hello. i
probably won't be around much for a few days, but i hope to
talk to you again soon. hope all is well!


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