BAC

Life in the Making
2001-10-29 20:40:09 (UTC)

Love or Lust?

Do I know what love is? Have I ever expierenced love? Can I
tell the difference betwen love and lust? Maybe I can and
maybe I can't. Why can't I answer straight? Becuase I'm
afriad of love. Me and David had a long talk Saturday on
the phone. We talked about how I was afraid to love and to
be loved back. I grew up a tomboy, and boys are most famous
for hiding their emotions, holding it all in and never
knowing what to do about them. I'm afriad to love becuase I
don't want to hurt myself or the other person in the end.
I'm afraid to BE loved because I don't want to hurt the
other person if I ever changed my mind. What is really
going on in my head? What am I going on about here? Do I
love David? Is that the question on everyone's mind? On my
mind? I think it is. Do I love David...? If I knew the
extent of love, I think I am in love with him. Does that
make since? I'm waiting for Vanessa to yell at me for any
errors in this entry. Or just yell at me for all the
babbling I'm doing. Anyway, back to topic. Saturday, when
on the phone, when me and David were arguring about this
whole thing, he straight out told me he loved me. He was
firm yet gentle with his words. Yes, he's said it before,
but when he said it (it was the way he said it) it just
lifted my spirits and my heart skipped a beat. Do I believe
in his love? I'm not sure. remember, I'm afriad to be
loved. I don't want to hurt him in any way. Is that love? I
want to protect him both mentally and phsyically. I want
him to feel free of all pain. I think I'm afriad of causing
that pain. Maybe that's why I always put myself down. I
want to push everyone away, so in the end, no one will get
hurt. But my friends have seen who I am and know what I
will become, and they still remain my friends. David also
aksed me Saturday what he could do to prove his love for
me. There is onlt one thing that he could do, but he won't.
Did I tell him what it was? No. Why? Because that's one
puzzle he has to figure out himself. Maybe I'll write it in
a Friends View Only. I want to get it down in writing. I
don't want to keep it bottled up inside. But I don't want
David to see it either. I know he's reading this right now.
or will be.... :P We always argue about doing stuff. He
always asks me what I want to do, when I don't care. I want
to do what he wants to do. If I don't want to do something,
I'll flat out tell him. End of conversation. As long as I
am with him, I don't care what we do. I need advise. I know
Vanessa doesn't like David too much, but I still want her
advise on it. But she'll probably tell me it isn't love,
just an infatuation. She'll say that I havn't known him
long enough to love him yet. I don't want her to say that.
I want her to tell me the truth of what she really thinks.
I want to hear what I want to hear, but I like the truth
better. And anyone else who is reading this....please tell me what
you think. Charles has strong words, and so does Stacy...I want to
head from them most of all.