nyucatherine

fading into shadows

its like a part of me is always dying
and there's nothing i can do to stop it
it just sits there
stifled and excruciating
the tears don't wash it away
so i just stopped crying
i can't scream it away
so i just stopped screaming
i tried to get it out
with others
the touch or embrace of another
used to help the feelings subside
but now it doesn't
the embrace is empty
like me
so i just stopped trying
my heart is drowning
a hole in my heart
a murmur
that i can't fix, repair
so now i'm stuck
stagnant in a world where i don't belong
so i'm just sitting here
trying to come to terms
with what i am
accepting the scorn and hurt
hoping awareness will heal
but i keep doubting
i think this must last forever
because a part of me is always dying
and there's nothing i can do to stop it

i try to reach out
to touch someone's mind
body
or soul
but i can't
my fingertips carry no weight
my mind is vacant
my soul has no depth
i am empty
so i am alone
i am only a shell
a vacuole
a hole in the atmosphere
the only extraordinary thing about me
is the lacking
my secret lies in the vast emptiness
the barren yellow landscape of me
i serve only a conductor
a mirror reflecting you
the qualities that you like in me
are only the things you like about yourself
i am steel
hard and cold and lifeless
i cast no reflection
i cast no shadow
i am the shadow
i am the reflection
i exist only in the dark recesses
of others' minds
i am an altered projection
set in an environment
to create homeostasis
sometimes i sigh
and create a rift in reality
when a piece of myself
escapes from the shadows
and the screen blips
and i think everyone will stare
but they continue on
barreling towards their final destination
away from me
i exist only to others
i carry no emotion
i am without mass
but i cannot fly away
i am tied to this world
perennially stuck in a land
where i do not belong
chained to the seasons
of my fairweather friends
i will float through them
the air will run through me like water
each one clinging to me
to restore their energy
they pass me off
to another lost soul
i am fodder for the masses
i have no autonomy
i have no principles
i have nothing
because i am nothing
and i exist solely
in the shadows

i am an anachronism
i am an inconsistency
and people only see the world
as their perception of it
so i do not exist
they cannot see me
they cannot hold me
or touch me
they have to feel me solely
as a breeze
as an intangible mood
i exist to them only
as the emotion
i reflect in them

once i met a boy
who looked into my eyes
and saw me
acknowledged me
it threw me
i felt even more alone
with the knowledge that i did not have to be
i felt even more isolated
knowing that i could belong
i felt even more empty
knowing that i could exist
the boy - my imaginary friend
i ran around and played with him for a bit
but sometimes his reach
would wander too far
he would sink his fingers
into my soul
a terrifying touch
he delved into my heart
and held it in his hands
and i only remember the tears
as i expected that he would flee
i was enervated, atrophied
left lying broken on the floor
it was too much
to let my persona exist
and to live without it
so i ran from the boy
i ran until my legs faded into shadows
as i dared to look back
i could see him chasing me
bewildered
and each time, a piece of me would return
but the fraction kept getting smaller
more shadow returned to him each time
i was getting smaller,
less real
his confusion only grew
when his fingers touched the shadow
an incredulous look
as he withdrew them
as he could not permeate my new walls
so he could try another spot
and sink himself into me
and i was weakened
and the cycle kept repeating
until he couldn't find a place
that wasn't shadow
his fingers would pass over me
and he would utter
i can't feel you anymore
i would break the silence
with a joke or nervous smile
but he just stared at me
wondering where i had gone
and that was when i became aware
conscious of the dying
that was always going on inside me
my heart dropped a little
and began to sink into the water
it lost itself
as it tried to swim
and eventually it let itself drown
gradually
i turned and walked away
and this time he did not follow
because he knew i was already gone
i kept waiting for the lone tear
to slide down my cheek
but it never did
so i am stranded, wandering through this purgatory
not knowing if i'll ever escape
wondering if he'll ever round the bend
and come to save me
wondering if i'll let him
so i just wait, stifled and alone
with a part of me always dying
and nothing i can do to stop it
just waiting for it to
stop