2001-10-29 20:09:26 (UTC)


Well, I'm feeling good right now. I'm not sure how long it
will last, but I have a lil pep in my step today. Okay,
finally.....FINALLY.....Leroy emailed me. He said that he
got the email Kellen sent to him and that it made him
smile. I would put the email on here, but I really don't
feel like all the click and copy and paste stuff. But
anyway, it made me a little more sure about things. Now,
Leroy knows what I'm looking forward to. Before I got that
email though, I sent Leroy an email, one of those spur of
the moment emails, and I was doing it because I thought he
was ignoring me or something. Yall know how I have weird
thoughts going through my head. Anyway, I did all this
before I got his email. Which happened in a funny way
because he sent it to my yahoo inbox, which he has never
done before. I just thought that was out of the ordinary.
But I checked that box and there it was....his email. I
mean, in a way I feel stupid for sending him the other one,
but it's kind like the one Kellen forwarded to him. It's a
little more indepth and the tone of it is kind
of.......hostile, well, not really. But when I wrote it, I
was thinking to myself that he is going to know that I
don't want to be with him. So now, he knows. I wish I had
the courage to tell him things to his face, but it's hard.
One reason I don't want and can't say stuff to his face is
because I don't want to put him on the spot to where he
feels he has to say the same thing back to me. I just stay
away from that situation all together and just hold back
what I have to say until I can write it down. I wish I
could get to the point, no, actually I wish he could get to
the point to where he would be real with me and not feel
obligated to say things to me. Until that day comes....I'll
just be writing everything down.

Okay, this idea just popped inside my head....I want to
plan something really special. The next time we try, I want
it to be special. I just feel like doing something sweet
for Leroy. Like, I want to get a room and fix it up really
pretty. I want to surprise him, but I need to think of a
way to do it. I mean, I don't know if anyone else has done
this for him, if so, then it will be a second time. But I
do want to make this time even more special and not just
something casual. I feel like this time will be for real.
And now that I know where my heart is for him, I'm not
really worried about how I might grow even more in love
with him. I know that I will be a different person to him,
but I don't think what we have will change. Not in less he
wants it to. I guess I am putting everything in his hands.
It's all up to him. *MS. JLYN*