..CracK.ChiLd..

disturbing.

have you ever questioned the color of your eyes? the shape
of your hands? do you reject your collarbones or the patch
of hair at the base of your spine? why must i reject this
inherent inborn thing that is me? why do you want me to
cast it aside? because i am everything that scared you in
her? so? i am not her. and besides, much of what you admire
in her stems from the same well as her goddamn sickness the
same goddamn need for control that makes her the most
inhumanly organized girl on the planet. you still love her.

there, of course, is the bend. you don't want to love me.
you don't want to fall in love with my mystic acccepting
comfortable understanding fuckedup little soul. you're
afraid. admit it. afraid.

weak.

don't think that i don't know you in every way that counts.
don't think that i'm not bothered by it...bothered that you
cannot accept the fundamental parts of me. i smile and you
can take that face. i cry and you want to comfort me but
are afraid of my demons. as perhaps you should be but they
cannot touch you don't you see? they're mine and you'd
better hurry and rip those tendrils of me that you've
planted into your chest out before they take root and you
can never turn away. but that's not even what you
want...you just want the option. you want the key to the
door...and cannot understand that i would never even lock
it...so little you know, boy. so little you know.

you, my dear, were the one who said leave and then held me
tighter. do not punish me for giving you what you wanted,
just because you didn't say you wanted it.

it's not my fault that you don't know what you want.

alright! my day totally sucked. i went to the market
dressed as a hippy...got good vibes for the most part. only
ONE girl dared to snicker at me. i wasn't impressed. but
then again...am i ever impressed? maybe. found out tonight
that a girl who i met over the summer has aids and there is
a good possibility that a girl i "know" may have it...as
well as many others. i'm not happy today. not poetic (even
though i got that new book) and well today defies words. it
defies definition. it defies everything that my mind may
get around. i will never forget. never. bye for now journal.

*me*