Hannah

the beginning of my new life

Today is marking the start of a new year for me. It was one
year ago taoday that I realized I was in love with Scott,
and it is also one week ago today that I told him I needed
some time apart. Unfortunatly, while it looked like an easy
decision last week, I'm having my doubts now. On Monday I
drove out to the beach just because, and I got really
wasted. I stood out on one of the many cliffs along the
coast line, and threw rocks at the water, wondering what I
was going to do now. After I had sobered up enough to
drive, I headed back up the coast aways to Salmon Creek,
and I walked along the beach. I don't know that there was
any purpose to that, but at least now I can tell people
taht I walked heartbroken down the beach when I broke
things off with Scott. I talked with Ben the other day, and
he told me that he had the same problems when he broke up
with Jessi. He said they had just run out of things to say
to one another, and while he knew he loved her, he couldn't
see himself in ten years sitting in silence, with a person
he hadn't truly talked to in years. On top of all this is
the guilt from what happened with Patrick. Scott saw the
two of us together last weekend, and while I know I
shouldn't care, I still do. Scott pulled me aside last
week, and told me that he thinks Pat may have feelings for
me, and he's worried about me, and he hopes that I'm not
going to use this as an excuse to go back to my old ways. I
tried telling him that I got all of my partying, drug days
out of my system back in high school, but Scott pointed out
that I was still that way through my first year in college
as well. I don't know, I'm starting to ramble off in all
kinds of directions now.Maybe some time this week I may
finally give Scott a call, and try to explain all of this
to him, but I'm still not sure I'm ready to explain it to
myself. I'm suppossed to be taking this time off to figure
myself out, and find out who I am and what ZI want to do
with my life. Unfortunatly, I don't know where to start,
and I just realized last night, that whenever I'm not in a
relationship, I spend all of my time moping about that
fact. Maybe what I really need is for some one to beat the
shit out of me, and tell me to stop looking for something
thats never there, and just be happy with what I have. If I had done
that, I may still be with Scott. Going nowhere. Maybe I should just
forget about the whole past year for a while, and hope for better
things. Like maybe Patrick will call me, eventually.