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2001-10-28 15:28:44 (UTC)

Halloween Party

So last night was the big Halloween party, supposedly the
best party of the year that takes place in an off campus
apartment known as the White House. At first I didn't
really want to go, just because I was tired and didn't
really feel well, and I had spent all day running around at
home with Mo and Nat (I took them home with me and we went
to our mall and stuff). Plus I figured I would have a bad
night the way I normally do at these parties. Funny thing
is, I had every intention of getting drunk at this party. I
heard there was going to be good stuff there, not just that
shit beer. They had punch w/ vodka, jello shots, THAT was a party! Gaby decided to be DD for
the night, and I should have just let that be. But, well,
this is me we are talking about. I had one cup of punch and
vodka when I first got there, and I wasn't in the best mood
at the time. Mike of course felt the need to tell me that
Gloria was giving Karl a massage at the first party they
were at. So just knowing that they were hanging out put me
in a bad mood. Even though me and Gloria are good friends
now, I am beginning to dislike Karl more every day. And, I
don't know, it just bothered me. So I was drinking the
punch and I realized I didn't really want to get drunk,
there were too many people there and I was afraid I'd get
out of control. Plus, Gaby didn't look like she was having
a good time, and if I was thinking about not drinking, I
may as well tell her I was considering it. BAD IDEA. Every
minute on the minute she would turn to me and say "did you
decide yet?". She didn't force me to decide not to drink,
but she definitely pressured me. It was ok though, I was
fine with that decision. I realized that I would prefer not
drinking at these parties, because I can still have fun
without the alcohol. If I was to get drunk, I would rather
do it with just a few people there. This party was crazy,
because there were soooo many people crammed in this tiny
apartment. It was hard to keep track of everyone, and since
there was more hard alcohol, they were getting more drunk.
By an hour into it Mo was already gone. I lost sight of her
after that. I only saw Natalie here and there, and she
didn't seem drunk, but I found out she had a horrible night
and got drunk off her ass, which I felt bad for. Kristen
got drunk, as always. I learned a lot about her personality
last night, just by watching her. She hooked up with THREE
different guys while she was at this party. And that's only
based on what I saw, who knows how many else! She leaned on
guys a lot for support, and you could just tell a lot about
her personality by this. Funny thing is, I never would have
hooked up with any of them....Computer Joe, Caleb, and
Shmitty. So now, both roommates have hooked up with Matt in
a drunken frenzy. Yes, interesting. Karl's sister was at
the party. So was Karl. And Gloria. I don't have a problem
with Gloria, me and her get along just fine, and I have fun
hanging around with her. But Karl...I don't know what to
say to him anymore. I try and be his friend but he is so
hot/cold I don't know what to do about it. I know he has a
major crush on Gloria (along with every other guy she has
ever met), and I don't know, I think he is just trying to
deal with that. But it's one thing to be hurting and not to
tell me, that I understand, but it's another thing entirely
to blow me off to talk to her. If he wants to lose me as a
friend then oh well, that's his choice. It doesn't really
matter much to me. He was a good friend on IM, even though
he was not a big part of my life at the time. It was nice
to have someone new to talk to in my boring life back then.
And over the summer he became a better friend, and it was
good to have someone there to talk to on a regular basis.
And once I got here, it was SO valuable to have an
upperclassman to show me around and introduce me to people
and show me what college life was like. Too bad I had to
ruin it with a relationship. Now, of course we would have
drifted apart anyway, that's just my style, but maybe we
could have all been friends. But this way, I guess Karl
just sees me as a bore who isn't worth the time to talk to.
It bothers me to see an away message up where he is "too
busy to talk" and then the second Gloria signs on, there
goes the away message! He doesn't even message me when he's
online anymore, except if there is something that has to be
done. He is so weird. Like, seriously. And if he isn't
going to give me the time of day, it's his decision not
mine. Friday night I was in a bad mood, and I went to his
room to get a movie to borrow, and I knocked on his window
instead of going in. He asked if I was going to come in,
and I said I didn't want to bother him. He made it sound
like he wanted me to, but I was in a bad mood anyway and I
said no. And I don't care if that makes him think less of
me as a friend, because I was in a bad mood and if he
couldn't fucking see that then he's not a friend I want to
keep in close contact. I just want to be happy and where he
is concerned, that is not exactly happening. So I met
Karl's sister, Maryellen. She was really nice and I liked
her, she was hanging with my sober friends too, so we were
all chillin outside (fave Joe, perv Dan, Boomer, and
occasional appearances by the depressed drunk Ryan). I just
can't stand when Karl "forgets to mention" things that are
totally relevant. Like, oh, the fact that he's filming his
movie this weekend, and the fact that his sister was coming
to visit. But he does mention that he's driving past my
house today, Sunday, to do something. Family gathering?
Wow, how interesting to find this out from his sister. But
oh well. I make it sound like I care more than I do.

I don't really know what to do about the semi formal. I
want to go, but only because I want to see what it's like,
and because everyone will be talking about it the next two
weeks. I don't really want to go stag, because I know that
my other friends I go stag with will find guys by the end
of the night, and I'll be left standing alone in the middle
of the dance floor. Another problem, the dance floor. I'm
not a big dancer, I don't LIKE dancing, why would I pay 35
dollars so I can dance? I got my long black dress from
home, but I don't really think it's formal enough. Maybe if
I do my hair really nice it could work, but can I ever do
that? Megan said she would do my hair for me, we'll see
what can be done. I could bring this guy Nate who I know from Lehigh,
he is really nice and I know he's free that night, but I don't have
the money to buy his ticket for him, and I don't know if I want to do
the whole "formal date" thing. I think I should find out how
important a date is at these things. Me and Gaby and Mo could very
well all go stag, but it might be kinda boring that way. I don't
think I should go. We'll see. I could always go hang out with Nate at

I am worried about getting attached to Nate already. I don't really
know the guy. I met him a few weeks ago at Hillel, and we talked a
few times on IM. Then 2 weeks ago he invited me to watch a movie with
his hall so I went over there and watched. We talk a fair amount now.
Thursday night I went there for Speed Dating at Hillel, and then he
came here and met my friends and we walked around outside until like
1 am. I think he likes me. Actually I'm pretty sure he does. Why else
would he talk to some girl he doesn't really know? A favor to me? So
I don't know. I'm trying to handle it differently this time. So far I
think I like him, but I don't really know. We are very different
people. I mean yeah he's Jewish and yeah he likes me, but there has
to be more than that....I definitely think my mindset is changing
finally. I'm so glad. Normally I would have probably hooked up with
him by now, and then a few weeks from now we'd stop talking and I'd
find out he's got another girl already. I don't want it to be like
that. I want to slowly integrate him into my life. I don't want to
hang out with him for the sole reason of nothing else to do that
night. I want him to be like a friend in my life, not like a best
friend or potential b/f. I am questioning my mode of thinking, and I
think it might work this time. I want to make sure I really know him
and I really like him for who he is before I do anything.

Wow, I forgot to mention this. Last night, in the sober
circle, perv Dan was holding my hand for a few seconds. I
don't know how to take that....I mean, for one thing he has
a girlfriend. For another, was he just being friendly, or
was he actually holding my hand? He helped me down the
steps and then just kept holding my hand. I didn't really
do anything, I just kinda let my hand stay there until he
moved his. But then he did it later that night when we were
trying to get through a bunch of people. He held my hand
and walked. That was only for like a second though. But it
doesn't matter, I'm sure it was just an "in the moment"
thing. I had a few of those last night. I sorta wanted to
be close with a guy last night, and a few guy friends came
to mind. Sean Goff, he is cute, and I wish I knew if he was
gay or not. Actually that was why I wanted to do it, I
wanted to know if he is gay. Brian Heff, the kid from my
philosophy class....but he hooked up with Kayla then. Umm,
Danny, definitely Danny. Gaby kinda had a thing for him at
the party, so oh well there. Plus, he has a TOTAL thing for
Megan, you could tell the whole night because he would
ditch whoever he was hanging out with as soon as he saw
her. But I have liked him since I first met him, so I was
just sorta like whatever. Umm yeah so, pervie Dan was
definitely an interesting scenario. Then there was this guy
DJ....I was talking to him in line for the bathroom
upstairs. He doesn't go to DeSales, his sister Katie is a
Junior theater major, so he came with her to the party. I
walked back downstairs then, and he followed me and was
trying to talk to me but it was too loud, so I followed him
back upstairs. We were talking in the hallway, and then he
was like "hey let's go in here", one of the doors that was
probably a bedroom. I was just like "nah that's ok" yadda
yadda yadda. And so we just kept talking in this narrow
hallway while people were walking by, and then he says to
me "you know I definitely want to hook up with you". I was
just like yeah, but that's not my style. And then we get
into this whole conversation about why I don't want to get
in a relationship, and how he is not like other guys. He
said he doesn't want to sound cliche, but he's different
from the other guys there. I don't think he was drunk, he
seemed fine, he was a little buzzed at least, or a lot
buzzed. But not drunk. He wanted me to give him my number
if I saw him later, but I didn't see him at all. I would
have liked to be friends with the guy though, friends are
always good. But anyway, I had a great night. The party was
pretty fun, drunk people are amusing. Karl wasn't
particularly a part of my night, maybe a good thing
anyway....and I'm glad there were sober people there with
me. Driving other people's cars always scares me, I should
probably stop saying I'll do that. I drove Danny's car
back, and Megan, Jess, Bill (gay theater Bill), Danny, and
Shannon were in it. When we got to the dorms it was about 2
am, and they were all hungry, so after much debating (in
the cold, outside!! grr) everyone decided to go to a diner.
I said I wasn't gonna go, cause there were too many people
already, but they made it sound like they wanted me to go
so it was cool. We all piled into this guy Dave (Stickboy)'s car. He
was a sophomore theater major last year, but he dropped out
over the summer, and just comes here to chill and stuff. It
was me, Danny, Megan, Jess, Bob (RA Bob from 2nd floor) and
Kayla all in Dave's little station wagon. We went to the P&F Diner,
and it was one of my best experiences here. It was SOO much fun.
Plus, Megan joked that me and Danny should get married ;) She said
we would make a good couple. I don't know, guys are so confusing. I
need to stay away from them at parties, I don't want a hookup here,
especially with a guy I'd have to see every day after that. At
breakfast this morning perv Dan was really quiet, I don't know why. I
want to ask him about holding my hand but I don't want to sound
weird. I don't want him to think that I thought it was
anything....maybe I should. That's another thing I want to do about
guys. I want to be more open with them, the way Karl was with me. He
sat on my bed and flat out said to me "I kissed you last night". I
thought it was weird at the time, but that was the way to figure out
where we were going. If I had been more open with him, we could have
found out what we both wanted from this, and maybe could have avoided
all this chaos. I think I'll just let this one go though, because I
think he just enjoys that, and misses his girlfriend. But he's going
to see her today so I'm sure he's happy :) So I will just let it go,
forget about it, and then if it happens again then I'll ask about it.