All on the table
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2001-03-15 02:38:13 (UTC)

I m home! What an amazing..

I'm home! What an amazing relief... The weather was
overcast, temperatures cool, and showers kept coming by.
Ann goes to the beach to sit out in the sun, so the trip
was becoming a disaster for her. So, given that she was
going to mope around the room for the next two days, we
all agreed to save the money and come back home.

Home, where I have space to myself. Home, where she has
her routines that will keep her at one side of the house and
me at another side. Oh, does that feel good...

I do have to be honest and give her credit. She tried not to
boss me around and belittle me on the four days we were
gone. Much of the time, that meant taking back things she
said and apologizing - she doesn't seem to know the
damage is already done when she opens her mouth. I often
pushed her on it, being vocal when I disagreed, and
purposefully doing things the way I wanted to and not the
way she wanted me to. That's so sad when being yourself is
an act of defiance.

At any rate, she did try. Maybe she'll get better - but more
likely, she'll build up frustration from being nice to me and
explode. C'mon, bring on the explosion - let's see your true
colors again. Let's have one of those big fights and yell at
each other what we all know is true. Will you still pretend
everything is fine once you admit that you don't love me,
that you resent me, and that you don't feel you can control
me any more? Will you still expect me to be your servant
when you know how much I resent you, despise how you
treat me and treat others, and how my love for you died
years ago?

I reread this, and noticed: it's all about Ann. I am so thrilled
to be back in the same town as Suzie, and I did manage to
meet her and talk with her for a few minutes this evening. I
absolutely think the world of Suzie, and I value so much the
time that I can be with her. But I have the cleanest
conscience when I say that my problems with Ann aren't
about Suzie at all.

Not that she hasn't helped. Suzie sees in me more than I
see in me. She's convincing me that I am valuable, desirable,
and special, and in those ways, she's helping me out of an
unhealthy low self esteem, bought on by too many decades
of puritanistic religion and obsessive control by first my
monther and then my wife. So, Suzie has allowed me to
believe I deserve better, and so I have found the strength,
finally, to stand up to Ann. My, my, that's years and years

At any rate, I made it through vacation without backing
down or causing a big blow-up. I guess that's an
accomplishment, but somehow I'm not sure.

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