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2001-10-28 04:47:43 (UTC)

Im so Happy!!!! But yet so Confused!!!!

Yesturday was turning out to be a really great day, I mean
me and Shane were together nearly the whole day and we got
in trouble together and everything, and I was having a lot
of fun...This was all up until sixth period, See the class
that I was in went into the gym because our teacher wasnt
there and shane came in there the last fifteen minutes of
class.He looked at me and waved but went to the top part of
the gym with his ex girlfriend and walked around with her
for about five minutes, then when he came down he looked at
me passed me up and this one girl was all over him,l That
stuff pissed me off at the time. He never talked to me the
whole time I was in there and it really irritated me
because hes supposed to be mine. So When the bell rung I
was gonna ride his bus but I rode mine so that I could talk
to Brandon about it, He's a really good listener. (By the
way did I mention that Carrie and Him Broke up this morning
over the whole TRUST thing, I know that me and shane got
them together but Brandon asked me what I thought he should
do and I told him that it was his decision and Im not gonna
get into the things that where said but well lets just say
that they are broken up.) But Brandon helped calm me down
about Shane and he did get me to laughing, He is always
able to do that. Well anyways Last night was the Last
football game and I went to it. I don't know why but they
let Shane play with his bad foot. Brandon was there he was
the first person I saw. The only other ones that I hung
around was Amanda S, and she was with Eric N. When I went
over to talk to Brandon he walked around with me, Mainly we
was talkin about something that was supposed to have
happened last week (that I wish still would) but I'll never
tell anyone what it is, It will ALWAYS stay between me and
Brandon. I kinda hope that Shane didn't see me and him
together but I mean Shane did do what he done in sixth
period, First I was hoping that Shane would see us just to
get back at him but the more I thought about it I knew that
was wrong so other stuff happened while we walked down to
the bathrooms and I wasnt doing it anymore to get back at
Shane. I think that I might have started having
fe.........well I aint even gonna say scared to say
it because im scared that ill get my heart broken again.
Brandon walked me to the car when it was time for me and
amanda to leave but after he walked away I called mama and
she said that she'd just come to get me for me to stay at
the game. So I went back up on the bleachers and sit with
him, and he was talking about what would happen if shane
did see us together and us being as close to each other as
we where. It was just me and him there then or atleast the
only people that we hung around everyone else that was
still there where preps. About 10 minutes after amanda left
Brandon saw that his mom had pulled up so he told me that I
could walk with him to the truck if i wanted to, it was on
the other side of the field anyways. so i walked with him
and we talked some more, Then right before we got to the
truck he hugged me and told me bye. Now today is Saturday
and I havent talked to shane nor brandon all day because I
cant get ahold of them. But Im just so confused right now,
and my feelings are messed up again, i mean i didnt cheat
on shane last night dont get that idea. To me cheating is
kissing, fingering, blowing, or going further, but none of
those happened i swear, I know people that saw us together
and knew that i used to like brandon probly think
differently but i didnt. IT's my feelings that i wish i
could control, there always out wonderin around with
Brandon when i know im only supposed to be focused on
shane.In my heart i understand what im fellin and who my
true feelings are really for, but in my mind thats a
different story its telling me what i dont wanna hear. I
just wish my mind and my heart could agree because i know
who i wanna be with but right now i cant say which one that
is.........Well it's getting late and ive got church
tomorrow so ive gotta get off here. This being one of my
problems i would go to brandon but i wont because hes part
of it.