Joshin Jane

whales

you know how things are really fantastically funny when
you're tired past the point of no return?
we were finaling page 3 at around 3:15 on friday morning
and billy and i were leaning back while wamiq was adding
lines to things and such.
billy made some kind of joke and i laughed.
anything will make me laugh now, i said to him.
you could tell me my pet whale died and i would think it
was hilarious.
what's this? wamiq asks.
don't say anything, billy tells him. don't talk about
masha's pet whale. he just passed on.
i really don't even remotely remember what billy said, but he brought
up the whale in such a serious tone that i was just laughing for
what felt like the longest time ever.
it was probably only four minutes.
everything feels much longer very late at night.

so the steve reed dream...i'm sure you've been wondering....
i'm standing in the middle of a field, kind of hovering
between the girls' varsity soccer field and the one
behind it that's the shit field during lacrosse season.
suddenly, steve reed and one of his friends come driving up the road
in a haywagon.
they pull off the road and get out and come talk to me.
steve asks me to homecoming.
but you don't know me! i tell him.
yeah but it's okay, it'll be great, he replies.
well, okay....
we're having a conversation and i don't remember what it's
about but steve starts speaking with a vaguely russian
accent and i get confused because clearly he's not russian.
the accent keeps getting stronger and more nticeable and at some
point, his speech is prominently russian-sounding and we're talking
about perogies and next thing i know, steve and i are having sex.
fantastic sex.
blow me out of the water were i anchored in the middle of
an ocean sex.
hmmm.....does this mean i'm longing for red headed russian
men?

on the parental front, everything is fine.
they went to conferences this morning and i was terribly
nervous about rousseau mentioning to them that i hadn't
done my research oral not because he didn't have time but
because i had simply been a lazy ass.
everything went smoothly.
they had to go to some college counseling meeting and i
ordered dinner in early - i had such a craving for chinese
when i woke up this morning because i'd called holls and
she had had leftovers for breakfast - and then fell asleep
watching court tv.
we've been going out so often with anita, almost every day,
that it's such a lonely feeling to not have a car or
license or whatever.
especially this weekend, with holly's parents out of town,
it's such a shame to not be able to do anything with the
house and cars there and unsupervised.
that, actually, is the dilemma of the evening.
holly's going out to pick up jen and bennett and they want me to go
but every time i do something where the chances of getting caught are
slim, i get caught anyway.
we've definitely broken rules and been deceitful before,
but it was always in situations that we could have
bullshited our way out of, like when we were with margaret.
my parents know that holly doesn't drive yet and even
though i feel totally comfortable getting in a car with her,
there's no way to explain myself if my parents figure out
that i've somehow ingeniously managed to sneak out.
in two months, if i can get out of the house to go out with
holly, i may be breaking their rules but no laws.

it always feels like my parents are reasonable but they're
not.
they're not letting me drive down from connecticut with
matt and al and becky, so pretty much i'm stuck visiting
colleges for three days with them and then coming home and
being alone for four days and waiting for everyone to come
see me when i could be with becky and her friends and her
family.
i could be going out now and having fun but no, i'm
worrying about breaking my parents' rules.
i could do so much more than i do but they keep restricting
me and i keep being responsible and restricing myself.
they'd never let me go to a concert or a party, i know
better than to ask anymore.
for me, boarding would be surprisingly more lenient than living at
home is.

i'm just so frustrated with them right now, i can't explain it, and i
can't write anything else because it will all be angry whining
nonsense.
so here, some jimmy eat world:

take advantage of these times, you said
you let me down
it hasn't been the first time
as i'm falling in the pit of fire
my mind's made up
i'm never coming back here

how long would it take me to walk across the united states all alone?
the west coast has been traumatized and i think i'm the only one
still alive

is it just a coincidence to see you by yourself with no direction?
now its time to move on and don't you know
that things aren't getting better

how long would it take me to walk across the united states all alone?
the west coast has been traumatized and i think i'm the only one
still alive

when the world caves in whatcha gonna do
when the world caves in whatcha gonna do for me?
when the world caves whatcha gonna do
when the world caves in whatcha gonna do for me?

[don't try and stop me
because i'm falling fast
into this pit of fire which surrounds us all
in a blanket of fear that i've been wrapped in for years
you can't stop me, you can't stop me]

how long would it take me to walk across the united states all alone?
the west coast has been traumatized
and i think i'm the only one
still alive

how long would it take me to walk across the united states all alone?
the west coast has been traumatized
and i think i'm the only one
still alive