UxGxLxY

Ugly on the inside
2001-10-28 03:39:38 (UTC)

Since when has someone cared?

i finally figured out today that people were leaving
messages for me! holy shit i'm retarded. argh... now i
don't know what to think. so much good advice and so much
sympathy... yet i still feel so alone.

today i spent the whole day in bed just waiting. I don't
really know what i was waiting for but i suppose i just
wanted someone to call me... someone to talk to. I feel
like i've given up just because i feel so weak and gulable
(?). i think anyone could easily take advantage of me right
now just because of that. i'm desperate for friendship and
i'm desperate for love.
i need someone to talk to, i want someone to understand me
and tell me what is wrong with me. why can't i figure it
out? i want to get away from here and start over. I want to
start over in a place where no one knows what i've been
through, where i don't have reminders flashing back at
everything i look at. if they aren't there then they don't
exist... i wish it were that easy. i just can't do it... i
cant do anything... it's just so hard to wake up in the
morning and drag myself out of bed. it's a fight every
single day... and i can't emphasize this enough. no one
cares at all. not one person. it isn't me being cynical and
so pessimistic because that's not the case. i would give
everything i have if i could say that i had people who
cared about me and mean it. i would do anything for that.
am i just unloveable? is that possible? i don't even want
a relationship, just SOMEONE! i'm trying so hard to keep
myself above water (so-to-speak) and i honestly don't think
i can do it much more.
if i'm gone i can't feel this anymore.
there was a point where i couldn't feel anything... just
kinda empty. I really didn't feel anything. now it just
hurts to breathe. it hurts so much to even think for a
second. i'm in agony right now... even worse than before.

everyday in class i sit there and if i'm bored or wandering
off into space i begin to think about everything and how
i've got nothing. my parents don't know how to deal with me
and i realize that... they just dont know how to talk to me
without setting me off. i feel so bad for them having to
deal with it too. i'd feel bad for anyone right about now.
i just try to avoid them, maybe keep them safe from me.
when they do talk to me i turn into someone else, regreting
everything i say or how i walk away about ready to pitch a
fit over something so small and stupid. i know my
frustration with them comes with me being so helpless to my
mom's MS and how life is 10x's harder for her. and my dad
battling with that, me, money, his own disabilities and
inablility to work. i offer nothing to them... i don't make
them happy so i'm just here because i've got no where else
to go.
i'm scared of what i can do... what i'm capable of. i want
help. i'd rather not feel this anymore. it hurts so much
that it make me feel sick.
where did i go wrong? what is wrong with me? why can't i be
like everyone else who's biggest problem is the test on
friday and which shoes to wear to the party? why can't i
have that?
the other day i was walking home and it was about to rain
and it was also sunset. the black clouds mixed with the
orange sky and it made the light seem so unreal. the colors
of the dead leaves on the ground seemed so bright... the
houses seemed so grey. it was weird. i suddenly realized
how close reality was and how far away i actually am from
it.
maybe someday, if i stick around long enough, i'll be at
peace with myself and everything else...
and if anyone reads this whole thing... thanks for sticking
around long enough... sorry about me being a retard and not
realizing that people messaged me.




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