You don't want to read this
2001-10-28 02:51:04 (UTC)

Oh goodness

I left home to come back to school. I made an
excuse, went to the train station, got on the train, and
left. When my mom hugged me, I almost cried. I'm not sure
why. I don't miss her that much. Maybe it was because so
much is left unsaid. So much is always left so unsaid.
She was worried about me and I think she saw right through
my excuse and knew that I just couldn't stay there. When
the train door opened, and I said I better get on because
they would be leaving soon, she gave me this look that I
don't think I've ever seen before. It was true sadness. I
felt like I was a totally bad person when I saw that look.
Her hug was aweful. She told me that she would miss me.
But it meant so much more than that. I know it did. As
soon as she began to hug me, I knew that what I was doing
was wrong and that of all the people in the world I could
lie to, I should never had lied to my mom. She has
sacrificed the world for me and my brother. My dad was
never there or involved enough to give us what we needed.
She always managed to pick up the slack for him. No matter
how tired she was or how much she felt like giving up. And
I know she has felt like giving up more than once. I can't
blame her for that. She works so hard to have things and
my dad just wastes what she saves on whatever he wants.
There is no consideration. I wonder why she stays. Why
does she give him chance after chance even when he
continues to take her for granted. She afraid to put down
her foot. However much she needs to get away from him, I
think she needs him even more. She needs him for money but
more for her own sanity. That sounds crazy but it's true.
She has known only being married to him for the past 30
years or so. What would she do without that to come home
to. Even if it sucks to come home to. That thought must
terrify her. It would terrify me. To think that all
you've known since you were 20 could disappear? Must be an
indescribable feeling. It's just such a hard situation.
There is no good solution. There's no easy answer. No way
out without having to deal with it. Her hug said all these
things. Her hug felt desperate. It felt angry. It felt
frustrated and alone. And it made me feel that for her.
That is why I wanted to cry. And why I did cry. But I couldn't let
my mom see it. She would have known someting was up. And I don't
feel like I can tell her that yet. She's been living on
the edge of a nervous breakdown for years and to know what is
going on with me, well, it could very well throw her over
the edge. Or at least that is the excuse I am using right
now so that I can justify not telling her. It's my
desperate secret. It's been mine to keep for three years.
Why should I give it up now. Why did God pick now to make
me start talking? Why this time in my life? It has to
come sometime in my life but why now. I can't even say
that I'll do it later because God keeps pointing out the
fact that I need to talk to a certain person. I know it
needs to be done but it scares the hell out of me. I don't
want it to create wierdness. I'm afriad it will. I am
just flat out afriad. When my mom was finished hugging me,
I couldn't look at her. I knew I couldn't let her see the
start of tears in my eyes. That would start the
questions. And questions are bad. Because I wouldn't
answer any of them honestly. I never do. I just perk up
real quick and say that I'm "OK". So I looked down at my
bags, picked them up and walked onto the train with my head
half way down. I put my stuff down and sat in a seat. She
was still standing there waiting for the train to leave.
It was horrible. I knew she knew something wasn't right.
And she kept standing there. Waiting. Waiting for what?
Me to leave? I glanced at her and she gave me a little
wave. I lost it. My eyes filled with tears. I tried
desperatly to hold them back. I turned my head the other way so she
wouldn't see me. I managed to get them under
control just as the train began to move forward. I glanced
back at my mom and gave a quick wave goodbye. She went out
of sight but I could still imagine her in my mind standing
there watching the train go out of sight. And I could
imagine her thoughts. I began to cry again. Then I made
myself stop because I knew the guy would be coming around
soon to give me my ticket. I didn't want to seem upset.
To distract myself, I pulled out my book. Girl
Interrupted. It's a good book. Good for me anyhow. I has
explained some things to me. I finished it on the way
back. When I got to the last chapter, I felt like someone
was writing about me. It was scary. The way the author
wrote about herself described me to the point where I felt
like I had written it. It made me question things. It
opened my eyes and gave me a view of things from outside.
It also confirms the way I feel even more. My dad's
birthday is the 3rd. I should get a card and a gift or
something. Do I want to? No. Should I? Probably. Am I
going to? More than likely. I feel like giving him a slap
but I guess he'll get a card from me. A card. How
thoughtless can I make that? Rather, how thoughtless DO I
WANT to make that? I'm sure being heartless isn't problem
for me. Wait, didn't I learn otherwise today? Well, maybe
I'm just a little dense and can't get things through my
thick skull.