Trixie Dust

Trixies in the Wind
2001-10-28 02:20:12 (UTC)

mom keeps trying to get me to eat

And I do. She says i dont eat enough for a bird to live....

Today was Nikki (Robin)'s birthday party. :-/ I wanted to
go, but thats okay... I havent really been to big on
birthday parties, or going anywhere anyways. Why bother.
I mean, I like to do things, but I cant do the things I
want because Im not allowed, that, and I put everyone else
in front of me. Mom was bitching earleir cuz i didnt want
to go to Brandon, *aka shopping*. She kept complaining
about how she is alone and doesnt get to do anything. In a
respect she is right. But she got herself a phone line to
fix that, and she has plenty of people that want to spend
time with her. She thinks Im addicted to the internet.
Honestly? I hate it. I hate this computer. The only
reason Im on it is to talk to people. Or maybe to feed my
neopets or download a song or something. Id much rather
hang out with people, but whats the point when I know i
cant? At the beginning of this week I told mom about
nikkis party, and shes like, we'll talk about it, because
colleen wanted to go to this halloween thing at carter road
park (it was boring exept for the haunted hayride...
details to follow) and we took Jennifer. They saw this
girl that was part of the whole barbra getting beaten up
thing, and I have never seen kids so scared in my life.
They were so afraid. And colleen didnt know she was fourth
on the list, the list of kids to get beat up, and ashley
opened her fat mouth on the way back from barbras house,
because all her friends spent the night there last night.
She started crying. *sigh* I really dont like this
world. I think were gunna move, mom hasnt outright said
it, but she says the reason we moved here, part of it, was
she wanted us not to have to live in fear and have better
schools, cuz it was at the time of the columbine thing, and
we were getting a bunch of bomb threats, like, 3-5. She
asked me which was worse, a kid (at least) getting beat up
every year, or bomb threats? EMPTY threats. Ashley saw a
girl beat, and so did colleen. She isnt going to that
school anymore, but where can she go? I hate to sound
selfish, but im over here like, college...? Future... ya
know... mine? Id like to talk about it... I hate to bother
you, but, uhm, this matters to me. Ha. Right. I amuse
myself sometimes. Its amazing to think theyll actually
listen to me, but im not bitter, Im not. Really. I dont
mind, someday I will, but right now I dont. Mom does
notice that I suffer alittle, she admitted it, I never go
anywhere, I dont ask for things unless i need them, and
half the time im ignored anyways. But I dont mind.
Really. I dont mind sitting alone all the time in my room,
staring at a tv screen or drawing or reading... I like
being alone, right? Thats how I am. A loner. Ive been
practically alone my whole life. Besides like, elementary
school, this is the most friends Ive had. Matt, Mary,
Will, Val, they all love me. Some of ashleys friends do
too, but do they count?? And I have God, major improvement
over the rest of my life. I have God, and its so great to
know that Im not really alone. I was thinking today, which
is worse, to be alone having no one else around you, like,
stranded on an island or something, or being alone
surrounded by people? I think its the latter. But
anyways, not really being alone.... I was thinking too, I
hate to admit this, I do, this is killing me... but I miss
my dad. I dont care he left me, i dont care hes marrying
her. I dont. He was my friend, i trusted him. Just like
everyone else, he lied to me, and I didnt want to believe
it. I didnt want to believe when mom and ashley said he
had a girlfriend... I convinced myself mom was just being
selfish and bitter... but he did. I thought he was going
to aunt sues... he went to her. He SAID he was at her
house... he lied to me. I trusted him and he lied to me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to trust
people? Im sure the ones that I do know that. There is
one thing people dont already get from me when i meet
them. I respect them, I wont judge them, I think them
nice. But i do not trust them. Not with anything
personal. I trust they know what theyre doing and will do
it when I ask, but I dont trust them, if you get what I
mean. I dont tell people whats bothering me when Im
upset. I just dont. I dont let people know I hurt. Im
too headstrong, too stubborn. Like with the guitar,
playing it hurts. It really really hurts my wrist, you
have no idea how badly. But i do it anyways. Why?
Because I want to, and because it hurts. Yeah, I do it
because I know I probably shouldnt, and after an hour I
dont even feel my wrist anymore. Lol. And it hides away
everything else thats going on. Im focusing on learning
now, even though ashley gets mad im always on her guitar.
But if you learn it on guitar, you learn it on bass.

I dont know my point, so Im not even going to attempt to
wrap this up. 'sides, my mans on, and ill tell ya more
bout carter road park later.

I love my matt. :-D

Laters




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