2001-10-27 23:37:38 (UTC)

Jan. 1 2001

I'm getting tired of all the shit. Sometimes it makes me
wonder whats going on and if I ever have any control over
it. The times when I think I'm doing the best I've done,
doing the right thing and making the best decisions, I've
always hurt people. No matter what or which way I decide to
go, someone gets hurt. And while it's so easy to go and say
that I should look out for myself and do whats best for me,
it's just not working. I do what's best for me and I lose
the people who can't see what I'm really doing. And while
it's so easy to say that it's their fault for not
understanding and figuring things out for themselves, they
are who they are and I can't change them no matter how many
times I tell them something or try to make them understand.
So I'm left with the shit that I've created and destroyed,
which is basically what we're born with.

I don't think anyone is meant for anyone, because none of
us are our matches perfect match. It's not feasable. We're
not perfectly made for one another, and in one way or
another, settling for what we think is right now, and
settling once more when we find out it isn't and that we
were tricked by our own dreams and ideals.

But then again, whats the point in trying to find any girl
girl to care about right now. I'll be leaving for england
in less the 8 months, leaving everything I know, everything
I've been, trying to find something that I know I won't
find till I die.