marinabreeze

as the Oval turns
2001-10-27 21:05:47 (UTC)

Playing House...Part 2

Last time on As the Oval Turns:

...basically the story was that he felt that I was only
being his friend b/c I thought he would change his mind
about not wanting to be with me, that the situation with me
was like the situation with some other girl (which I figured
out who it was later), and the reason that he didn't want to
hook up with was...brb...

Today on As the Oval Turns:

And the reason that Pacey didn't want to hook up with me is
because he didn't find me attractive, specifically b/c of my
weight. So that really blindsided me for a few reasons. I
was just getting through a lot of stuff related to Bud's
emotional abuse and I wasn't in the best mental shape.
Also, related to that, I was just getting my self-esteem
back and it was a little fragile, so that set me back to
ground zero. Also, God had revealed some things to me the
week before and b/c of what happened its possibility really
came into question. So God showed us through Jenna that the
seed, the root of all the problems came right there. I felt
like I needed to take things into my own hands, and in the
process doubting God's power and my own beauty in Him. I
also translated Pacey's feelings or lack thereof towards me
into the idea that no other dude would find me attractive,
piggybacking off of some of the lies that Bud told me. So
that kind of stuff opened the door to a lot of problems, and
got the drama started that I'm now finding out was totally
unnecessary. It didn't have to be like this. Granted,
Pacey and I are friends now, but if this all didn't happen,
then I wonder if things would have been different. Right
now, we're friends in title, but our relationship is more
like how it was with me and Bud w/out the kissing, drugs,
and emotional abuse. I see Pacey these days more than I see
Jenna and Claudia, we'll do stuff together, eat lunch
together, go over to each other's places, and things like
that. In some ways we act like we date but we don't...it's
like playing house, and that's what I don't like. I think
that it would be one thing if I initiated everything and I
stalked him, but he does his share. And I didn't think
anything of him answering my phone at the time, but that's
kind of bad...if my dad called, he would've freaked out. So
I'm not sure of this. I do think, though, that the cord
needs to be cut in terms of feeling so tied to Pacey when we
are not together and he's showing no concrete signs of
liking me back.