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2001-10-27 17:50:35 (UTC)

i don t know for how much..

i don't know for how much longer I can keep being so
Every day I go home even though I don't want to go home,
it's not a home, it's just where I sleep, and I say to my
self, so another day has passed, and will never come again.
Another useless day, waiting for my life to arrive.
Or waiting for my death to arrive.
I am close to suicidal.
Who cares.
Yes, my mother, who would like me to be 10 years old all my
life, so that I can be home with her and she can control me
I want to kill myself. But I know I will not be able to
actually do it. Also I'm disgusted to what will happen to
my body. If it will rot somewhere and start to smell and
noone will know to look for me.....
I know, I should not be talking like this.
I'm going to go and see my psychiatrist on monday.
And I will see my former therapist as well.
What can they do.
I'm not going to take any medication - have no insurance.
What happened was that I got rejected again.
I am so repulsive that noone is attracted to me.
If you want to be attractive in NYC you can not weigh over
105 pounds and be over a size 6. If you are over a size 6
you are obeese.
I hate so many people.
If you are over 110 lbd you only attract men over 60 that
can't get any other women becasue they don't have money.
I want to kill myself.
I have the most useless life in this earth.
I have nothing except depression.
FAT and depresssion.
I want to kill myself there's no reason for me to live. I
have so many dreams and so many hopes, they will never come
true and it will just be like a slap in my face, again and
again and again.
There are so many people I hate.
I just want to throw up.