dragon_amor

Kami
2001-10-27 10:28:13 (UTC)

Distraction over Kronos Quartet

I just got home from studying Asian Politics till 5:06am
this morning - mostly Tanaka Kukuei and his Japan Inc.
machine. Shadow Shoguns by Schlesinger...

Ran into Amanda and this guy Wayne that was with her and
seems to be an ok guy. He plays trumpet, went to East
Pictou - doesn't know, but knew who Jade Ryan was - but I
realized I don't like it when people pause in fantacy about
her. I don't know if I get offended, mad, defensive,
jealous, or what - but I get "something"... Anyway, could
be in part a backlash from hearing Bree bash her all the
time - I fucking hated that :(

sigh...

Anyway...
I miss Jade a lot

----------------------------

In as short a space as I can, I had gone out with a girl
named Alissa on and off over 4 years starting when I was
13. I was forming my opinions on myself and relationships,
love, and sex. We had plans for kids, their names, floor
plans for a house, "engagement" rings, and then someone
told her I cheated on her - which didn't actually happen,
though because I kissed another girl during a period we
weren't even going out anyway I treated myself like shit as
though, in some spiritual world where being technically
single wasn't an excuse, thought of myself as having
cheated on her. Maybe I should have that time in the
summer of 94 with Charlene when I had the chance, since I
was convicted by both of us as though I had with someone
anyway. I was so in love with her. The combination to my
guitar case is still the three digits that represent her
birthday (May 21). Even my banking PIN was her name until
8 months ago, though for the last few years still so due to
simple neglect of changing it. Anyway, that proved to
weigh on my mind for 6 years from 1994 to the summer of
2000, and played a large role in coming to know myself and
my capacities that would be needed in a real relationship
sometime.

I moved home from Charlottetown heart broken and spiritual
devastated, but I had a few good girlfriends that I will
always think well of. Giselle, she was amazing - loved
elephants, had a unique smile, and was so good to me. She
tried to be so understanding and I'll never forget that.
Bonnie Jollimore, my god, I guess I should say the late
Bonnie Jollimore... She was such an inspiration, great
with advice, supportive, patient, loyal. She would get her
mom to get me a bottle of Golden Glo which would "happen"
to be in the fridge every Friday that I went to her place
and I would "have" to have a drunk by Monday or her
mom "would get mad that it was taking up precious fridge
space" - she had such a cute innocent way to get me drunk
every weekend. Once when performing with a big band at the
DeCoste Center for the Arts I got a $65 ticket from an RCMP
over not having my seat belt on. I was really down about
it. I was worried about affording it. The next Friday I
was over she suddenly sprang it on me that SHE had gone and
taken money out of her own savings and paid it! She really
just wanted me to be happy - and I can never forgive myself
for never letting her know how much I really did love her
before she died. The last time we were close was when we
were still a couple and she told me that she loved me on
the phone. She knew my problem with that, or at least
hearing it due to how Alissa hurt me, and she was totally
sympathetic and caring - but said she had to tell me anyway
this night. I froze - I don't know how long the silence
really was - I started shaking and hung up... I always
meant to fix it and let her know better - but now I will
never be able to and I only have myself t blame. Maybe she
would still be here if I hadn't been so weak that night. I
still talk to her at her grave often. I still believe she
talk to me too when I'm there. I still love her memory as
dearly as one possibly can.

Jade, if it wasn't for you I would not be here right now.
So many times you indirectly or directly seen me through in
a way that seems so natural, often effortless for you. I
would NOT have made it through Bonnie's funeral without
you. I am sorry for my lack of clearness in my convictions
during the summer of 1995 too. I have never before or
since loved so purely - nor do I believe anyone ever has,
save you.

Jade and I went out for about half a year after Bonnie and
I broke up. I discovered my spirituality with her - grew
soooooo much with her. Never had I admired, respected,
loved, lusted, cared for someone so deeply - I fell in love
deeper than I had ever known and was terrified of it. I
never felt so loved before - or since. There was something
innate that has remained constant, even as friends a
continent apart. You are not an Eva Patterson in my mind
ever, but I do hope you are always dragon amor (you know
what I mean, though). My fears got the best of me and I
broke up with her. The single most regretable thing I ever
did. I hurt her, I know I did - maybe more than I hurt me -
and I still hold it against me. She moved to Vancouver
and I never heard from her for 6 years...

Six years with so much on my mind...

Trying to move on resulted in trying to fall in love
again. I hated feeling alone, isolated, unconnected,
uncared for, unimportant, cold, empty, insignificant - but
it was hard not to after something so embracing to over a
year single. I went out with Mandy for a while - but she
cheated on me a lot. We are friends now, but it took years
for me to forgive it in my mind first. She apologized
later in a way that really meant a lot to me. I went out
with Kate for a while, but she cheated on me too. I never
forgave her yet, nor do I have intentions to. The way it
was done was exceedingly brutal in circumstance. I did
meet cool people in the valley that summer though,
particularly the Greencorns - and Misty. I went out with
Laura, but it just ended suddenly for no reason I know of
on her end and we haven't really spoken other than one
really nice call I got from her months later - but I still
find it awkward to be around her now so I dunno.

Six years later with so much on my mind...


well - we are up to 1999-2000 anyway....