Empty Canvas
2001-10-26 15:41:40 (UTC)

Spilled Paint

I dont know if chris feels the same way That I feel about
him... He's never told me how he feels abotu me, I guess my
feelings for him are starting to change....maybe.... I
can't leave every thing up to fate, sometimes you have to
give it a hand and try to work things out, ....i realize
now that If I had not contacted him though the internet and
kept talking to him that I would of never had any kind of a
chance with him. I've come so far...if only he inderstood
how much I really care abotu him and long to be by his
side. I would do almost anything for his love. I only can
pray that god can show him the light and maybe that someday
Myhopes and dreams of wanting to be loved....and desired,
not as an object but as a person...and equal, then maybe I
will finally find peace on earth. My soul is only
satisified when I am with another, but lately, when I was
on other dates with other people, I discovered a truth. I
had no feelings or desires to be with those others, my
focus is purely on chris. What has come over me? I've
changed so much, it is now only when i look in the mirror
That I begin to question who i am looking at. I have become
someone I am not. But how can I become what I use to be
without loosing everything dear to me? People didn't always
accept me, they use to long long ago, when i lived in
maryland...before I stoped talking, that was the real me.
But I lost the real me when i moved to new york and meet my
evil step grandmother, and lost all my friends, then i
moved again, lost all my friends AGAIN, and still spoke
very little, then my grandfather died, and and uncle
died...the only thing I have ever held onto were those
memories and my art. My talent is in my art and someday I
hope to refine it to be perfect. I am determined to
strengthen my skills as an artist, because i paint for my
self, for my family and for god. But you know their is a
time in everyone lives when we all must look in the mirror
and choose to change. Why did I change? -because i desired
to become wanted and known. I was always the silent one, i
listened and looked, never touched or felt another. And
then Hight school changed me. But the biggest change wasnt
HS, it was college. When i went to college I found me, or
at least I thought i found me. I wasn't looked down upon,
People respected my talent, they respected me. Everyone was
equals- it didnt matter what you looked like or what you
dressed in. Clothes weren't as imprtant as grades and work.
Finially i had found my calling....if only i could of
stayed, but i couldnt afford to...not really, and I was put
ion the dumps of all apartments in student housing, I hated
my roommates and was miserable. But what kept me
going ...was the letters and emails I got from chris, he
doesn't know that every so often I would pull out a printed
copy of on or so of our converstations....that was what
made me happy, what kept me going.......